Unworthy - Kirsten Beyer [128]
Should she dedicate herself, as Willem had, to the selfish desire to recover her lost past? Could she abandon all that she had become as a citizen of the Federation and a Starfleet officer? Circumstances might yet prove her to be as frail and despicable as her husband had been. But Eden had to believe that was her choice and not a foregone conclusion. And she would, from this day forward, sift her intentions carefully for any sign that she was treading too close to the dark path he had forged before her.
The chime at her door sounded, pulling her from these troubling waters. Straightening her shoulders, she turned and called, “Enter.”
Chakotay ambled in. The gray tank top he wore beneath a loose-fitting black jacket clung to his chest, damp with perspiration, and his cheeks were still flushed with recent exertion.
“Were you in the middle of a workout?” Eden asked as she descended the two steps which led to the seating area and moved toward her desk.
“I just finished,” he said with a smile.
The most puzzling about Chakotay was the ease with which he seemed to put the recent past behind him. He had offered his assistance to her and her crew at every turn, despite being met with Eden’s caution and suspicion. He seemed disinclined to hold a grudge, but the captain didn’t believe that if their situations were reversed, she would have found within her the ability to do the same.
Eden considered taking the seat behind her desk to put a little professional distance between them but in an instant realized that this was part of her problem. She had been intentionally keeping him at arm’s length, concerned that he had come to regain his command and if she were completely honest, worried that he was right to do so. But if there was any chance that they would be able to move beyond these last few weeks, she needed to lower her shields.
She knew it was the right course and casually settled herself in one of the two chairs which faced her desk while gesturing for Chakotay to join her in the other.
As he did so, she said, “I owe you my thanks.”
“For what?”
“For speaking to Species 8472 on Willem’s behalf.”
Chakotay’s eyes clouded over as if the memory was somehow unpleasant. This surprised Eden as at the time he had appeared to act with casual ease.
“Was it difficult for you to do so?” she asked.
“No,” he assured her, shaking his head slowly. “My past experiences with the woman we call Valerie Archer were, on the whole, fascinating and productive. I believe to this day that we share much more in common with Species 8472 than they will ever willingly acknowledge. And seeing Willem struggle in open space, so desperate to reach his home … I felt nothing but compassion. There were days when we were first thrown into the Delta quadrant where it seemed we were floundering just as hopelessly and I would have been grateful to find aid from any friendly quarter. I didn’t know for certain that I could make Valerie understand, but I didn’t doubt for a moment that it was the right thing to do.” After a moment he added, “But I can only imagine how painful it was for you to watch.”
Meeting his eyes with as much openness as she could muster she replied, “It was, though probably not in the way you might imagine.”
“How so?”
Eden shrugged beneath the complicated emotions still unsettled within her. “He betrayed all of us, but I must admit, I took his actions a little more personally than I imagine the rest of you did.”
“Of course you did,” Chakotay said.
“Even though my heart felt the same compassion yours did, my head wasn’t as easy to convince,” Eden said. “Part of me wasn’t sure he deserved our sympathy.”
“I know what that’s like,” Chakotay agreed. “Once Seska revealed her true nature and joined the Kazon, I suffered the tortures of the damned wondering how I could have been so