Up Against It - M. J. Locke [185]
Xuan held Jane’s hand during the ride but did not speak a word. He glanced at her but did not really seem to see her. She made a couple of attempts at conversation, but finally gave up when it was clear he did not want to talk. He only stared out the portal at the grey dusty hills as they crawled across 25 Phocaea’s rocky ground.
Rumors must have spread about Geoff’s claim and what had happened out on his rock. People were waiting for Jane and Xuan at the surface lift station. They all cheered as Jane and the medics took Xuan to the lifts. An even bigger crowd awaited them at Zekeston, inside the Hub. Still more poured out of the spokeways.
The medics steered Xuan’s stretcher toward the hospital. Meanwhile, people shouted questions at Jane: “Commissioner! Is it true? Is there ice?”
“Yes!” she told them. “A big sugar rock will be here soon. The mother of all sugar rocks.”
Voices around them rose to an indistinguishable roar; her good-sammy cache filled to overflowing as she moved through the crowds to catch up with Xuan.
She deserved these as little as she had her earlier bad-sammies, but there was no way to stop them, and she was a good deal more concerned about Xuan than her social standing.
“Out of the way, please!” she shouted. “Out of the way.”
They parted, these hundreds of people, and they went quiet, and let them pass. Finally she and Xuan entered the hospital emergency room, shutting out the crowds.
The medics took Xuan to an exam room. They bolted his stretcher to the wall, hooked him up to the vitals monitoring station, and attached the Regrow dispenser to his IV.
“A nurse will be in shortly,” one of them said, and after checking his medical support settings one last time, pulled the door closed and left them alone.
Xuan turned his head then and looked at her, and in his gaze she saw something she had never seen before. She felt dread. “Tell me.”
He didn’t answer right away, just gripped her hand till she winced. Then he said, “I murdered.”
She stared, unable to reply. He must be talking about Mills, or one of his men. No great loss. But that would be exactly the wrong thing to say.
Xuan frowned. “I am going to ask for an extended sabbatical and take another Circuit. There’ll be an inquest, I’m sure, but there shouldn’t be any difficulty. I’ll leave once it’s done.”
Her heart sank; her lips thinned. I can do this. “I’ll come with you.”
But he was shaking his head. “No. No. No. This one is for me alone.”
His monitor chirped a heartbeat.
She said after a moment, “I think I can understand how you’re feeling. I’ve killed, too.” She paused, but he showed no reaction. “I know you, Xuan. You did not take that life lightly. You stopped a man who meant harm to many innocents. You did what you had to.” He held up a hand, and she broke off.
“My mind knows what you say is true. But my spirit…” He curled his fingers around his palm and looked at it. He saw something there she could not see. “Jane, I still see his living face before me, behind his visor. And in the next breath his flesh is rendered, steaming … strewn across the landscape, across my suit. I carry him with me now. I can’t put him down.”
Jane hesitated. “You know that’s just trauma. You can be treated.”
“I don’t need a med-hack!” He all but screamed the words. Jane flinched. She thought of her own recent experience with the Voice. Just a med-hack—but it had changed her, profoundly. How could she blame him, a devout Buddhist and pacifist, for his regret over causing another’s death? How could she blame him for wanting to work through this on his own, after all the times she had held him at arm’s length while she wrestled her own private demons down?
Xuan drew a slow, sad, deep breath. “I’m sorry, Jane. I’m sorry … I’ve never understood it before. I never understood that part of you.” He struggled to say something more, then gave up and looked at her, devoid of words. She squeezed his hand. She wanted to tell him it was going to be OK, but that seemed wrong, too.
“Kukuyoshi is safe now,” she said. “It won’t be shut down.”
Xuan nodded. “I’m