Up & Out - Ariella Papa [125]
“Oh, yeah, we have a train to catch,” she says. It takes me a second to realize she is making fun of Kathy. That’s pretty ballsy, and even if it’s only because she is drunk, I think it means she feels comfortable with me. Maybe she has a sense of humor, after all.
They say goodbye to the rest of us. Tommy makes sure to tell Ben that it was nice to meet him. When he bends to kiss me goodbye, I whisper that I won’t be coming home tonight, if he wants Nancy to sleep over.
“Thank you,” he says.
We hang out for another drink. The sun hasn’t even gone down yet, but I am buzzed. Janice and John insist that we walk by their new apartment. They smile when they look up at the brownstone on tree-lined Twenty-first Street. Then they catch a cab downtown. We say goodbye and I remind Janice that sooner or later I might snag her away from Explore! to do some top-secret work for Don and me.
Ben and I are far enough west to walk over to the river. I’m glad to be outside walking with my hand in Ben’s. The air has turned cooler and I’m still in my T-shirt from the race. He puts his arm around me and points up to the overpass west of Tenth Street. He tells me about all the ecology that is developing there and how someday it will make a great park.
He talks like we’ll be together for a long time; this is something I have to stop second-guessing. I think he makes me live in the moment. I tell him that he and Lauryn would get along.
“She’s the bird girl, right?” I can’t believe that “bird girl” is how people now refer to Lauryn.
“Yeah, I wish you could meet her. Well you will, if you come to the wedding.”
“I can still meet her, even if I don’t come to the wedding.”
“Does that mean you don’t want to go?”
“Like I said, I want you to do what you want.”
“They breed good men in New Hampshire.”
“I think it’s you who has good taste.”
“Oh, right, now you love Tommy.” I smile. Even though I would have enjoyed a little chivalrous drama, I think they are both adults for not trying to eclipse each other.
“I like Janice and John, also. I think you surround yourself with good people.”
“Wait until you meet the Big Three. God, I wish you met them five years ago. They were so different.”
“I’m sure you were also. Who knows if we would have liked each other then. You might only now have been ready for me.” He has a point. “You know, I think you give what you get.”
Esme is back. We are walking by the river the way Ben and I were. She isn’t talking, but she keeps thinking the words “You have to decide, you have to decide.” Is it because I want other people to make my decisions?
“What are you trying to say? Wait!” Esme laughs. Her laugh sounds like mine and the voice-over I picked and the new voice-over she has now. I know she isn’t mine anymore and she never will be. I loved her and created her, but now she is out in the world and I have no control of her.
She climbs on the railing. She is going to jump into the Hudson River and I won’t see her again after that. She is going to be fine without me, but will I be fine without her?
When I look at her waving goodbye before splashing into the river she actually speaks, “Goodbye, Ms. Cole.”
Ms. Cole. I wake up to Ben spooning me. There are tears in my eyes. I think about waking Ben up, but her words stick with me. He sighs in his sleep and squeezes me.
I could be happy writing shows for Don, and I will be. For me, it’s easy money. But my shows will always be changed and twisted. I will never be in control. I can deal with that. But I need something more real. I need a connection with people. I want a connection with kids. I don’t want to see them behind glass at a focus group. I don’t want to only deal with child actors. I’m going to keep writing, but I’m also going to teach.
I am a sucker for those ads on the subway. I’ll apply to be a teacher starting next year and if it doesn’t work out,