Up & Out - Ariella Papa [83]
“Nice job,” I say to them when they sit down. I realize it isn’t so hot anymore. The movie opens with an old Bugs Bunny cartoon. Everyone cheers about this, also. There is all this pent-up energy from waiting around so long.
I try to get as comfortable as possible on the blanket that I’m sharing with four other people. I notice the way my stomach sort of bulges out more than usual.
“Maybe I will start running,” I whisper to Kathy. She smiles and nods.
I wake up in the morning feeling hot and fat. I take a long look at myself in the full-length mirror and try to decide if Kathy was hinting that I’d gained weight. I have certainly been going out less since I lost my job, but I think the damage was done from the past year of expensive meals, eating at my desk and being office bound.
I belonged to a gym once. I have the expensive sneakers to prove it. I’m more of a spinning-class girl. Okay, so it’s been a long time since I sat on a bike. It’s been a long time since I exerted any energy.
I’m not a small girl, and I never expect to be. I usually like my butt, but staring into this mirror, I think I’m a lot rounder than is healthy.
I eat a container of yogurt and turn the TV on. I’m going to get out and do something, but first I’ll watch a little TV. The prospect of going out into the heat is not very appealing and I certainly can’t go joining another gym, so I’m just going to eat my yogurt one spoonful at a time.
I’m flipping through the channels when I see it. Esme—the new Esme—episode number eleven. This is animation that I worked on, but I was obviously gone when they did the sound design. Esme has no glasses and a completely different voice. She sounds like a dimwit. My voice-over talent—the voice I gave her—was husky with a constant edge of sarcasm; this voice is saccharine sweet.
I pick up the phone to kvetch at Janice, but then I hang it up. Of course she knew, she just didn’t tell me. I don’t blame her. At this point, what could I have done except get as upset as I’m getting now?
I consider calling Tommy, but I’ve got to try to stop running to him with everything that goes wrong. I have to wean myself off relying on him if I’m really sure I don’t want to be his girlfriend anymore. And I’m positive I don’t. Okay, almost positive.
I watch the entire episode of Esme’s Enlightenments with a sinking feeling in my stomach. It’s clear that Esme really isn’t mine anymore. If only I had been smarter when I developed the series, maybe I would still have some control. If only everything…
I watch the credits roll. I see mine, “Based on a character and story concept by Rebecca Cole.” At least that will be there for as long as the show airs, but without my vision for her, I’m not sure I want the credit.
I dig my sneakers out of the closet and find some bike shorts and try on a variety of T-shirts. None of the ones in my drawers cover enough of my butt. I go into Tommy’s room. This is a total violation, but I’m not going to go out into the steamy city with my butt on display for every construction worker and delivery guy to critique.
Tommy has an extra-large Incredible Hulk T-shirt and I put it on and put my hair up. I’ve been neglecting to have my hair cut and I have to bobby-pin some of the longer layers back up into my ponytail. I also take my Walkman. The batteries are dead, but if I am going to get the catcalls that increase ten-fold during the summer, I want to give the impression that I can’t hear them. I’m not saying I’m hot, mind you, the New York machismo factor is strong no matter what you look like or what you wear.
I walk fast over to the Hudson River. It’s hot, but not as hot as it has been, and once I get over to the pier, I feel a slight breeze. Then I just start jogging.
I run really slow, but it is kind of nice. I look up at the Intrepid and pass the Circle Line Depot. A few