Up & Out - Ariella Papa [87]
“With amazing results,” she says, exhaling smoke.
“Tell me, guru, how you did it,” I shoot back at her. It’s a testament to how far she has come that she can laugh at that.
“I’m ready,” she says. She stubs her cigarette out in the sand and puts it in her empty water bottle. She is certainly concerned for her environment, if not her lungs.
I follow her down to the water. The waves are huge. We stand for a minute, letting the water lap our toes. It’s cold. It’s now or never, so I run and dive in. Lauryn follows me in, screaming. My body freezes, then numbs, then starts to feel okay. We play and body surf in the waves.
After almost an hour we get out and I start to shiver. Lauryn hands me a towel and we wrap ourselves up and huddle close together on the blanket. My feet are covered in sand, but I don’t mind.
“I could stay here all day,” Lauryn says.
“I know, you must be psyched to have the summer off.”
“It’s sort of cool. Are you happy to be out of the city?”
“Yeah, I really am. How are you doing?” I ask tentatively. “You know, with everything?”
“I’m doing good,” she smiles. “With everything.”
“Are you still taking the pills?”
“Yeah. They help. You know, they really help. Do you want to talk about this?”
“Only if you do.”
“I actually do, I mean I wish people would ask me more. I don’t mind talking about it. The more I can talk about being depressed I think the better I am. I remember the day when I told you I was taking them. I felt like you were really uncomfortable.”
“I guess I was.”
“I know I wasn’t easy to put up with during the whole Jordan thing.”
“I guess I just never knew what to expect.” I can’t believe I am saying this to her.
“Things were pretty intense for a while. You know, did you ever just not feel like yourself or even know what that meant? It’s like I couldn’t get out of my own way. I used to be happy, you know. I used to be funny.”
“You are funny,” I say, touching her arm. “You seem back to the way you used to be. Even the last time we talked.”
“I know, but like, why did I have to go through all that shit? Why did I take it? Was I that scared of being without him? Was I that scared of being alone?”
“It’s where we come from. I mean, back home we would be married with kids. You know, my mother thinks I’m an old maid at twenty-seven.”
“But there’s got to be some resentment in that. I mean, here you are with all these things going for you.”
“What? Unemployment?”
“You’re unemployed now, but you had a show. Your thing, you know—not everyone gets to do that.”
“But, in the end, did it help anything? Was it meaningful?”
“Yeah, I think it was. There are a ton of little girls out there who don’t mind wearing glasses now.”
“Um, now they do. She isn’t wearing them anymore. Now she’s just like all the other girls on shows. Glasses weren’t sexy.”
“It’s bullshit. I wish there was a way you could still be in charge of Esme. With the next show, you have to be in charge.”
“What next show?” I shake my head and bury my feet in the sand. I tell her about Kathy calling me during her mini breakdown, saying she felt like there were too many choices.
“She’s going to be so let down after the wedding. When all the gifts are opened and the dress is shrink-wrapped it will just be them. Alone together and in debt.”
“Well, Ron’s got money.”
“But what does she see in him?”
“I don’t know. I have to think when they’re alone together something happens.”
“What’s Beth up to?”
“I don’t know. She’s the one I worry about the most. She is still partying as much as we ever did.”
“With who?” I shrug. I know Lauryn well enough to see her study me, but also well enough to lie.
“I guess, work people. I don’t know how she does it.” I decide to change the subject. “I can’t party like I used to—the body just doesn’t recover. But I will tonight.”
After showers and a nap, we walk to a pub in town. We sit in one of the high booths and order pints and mussels and a small pizza with fig, roasted tomatoes and feta. I smoke cigarettes with Lauryn and we chat.
On the way to the next bar, we stop in an upscale beach shop and