Walking on Broken Glass - Christa Allan [89]
He massaged my shoulders. “If that's what you want, that's what we’ll do.”
We decided on Peking Garden. It was still early for dinner, so we were scored a window table overlooking the koi pond. The garden was styled with pine and mondo grasses and bamboo. Water burbled out of the fountain. I told Carl we needed to keep this landscaping in mind for the next time my father visited. Reproducing this in our backyard would keep him busy for months.
After hot and sour soup, a spring roll, fried rice, and moo shui pork, I told Carl I needed to be carted out in a wheelbarrow. “Maybe we could try to develop a taste for sushi?” I suggested.
“If I’m going to pay those prices for food, it's going to be cooked,” Carl said, distracted by calculating the tip. “Ready?” As I’d expected, his change was stacked on the bills.
Since the restaurant was only a few blocks away, the ride home was short. Not much time for me to mentally rehearse what I knew I needed to discuss with Carl. God, I’m counting on you here. I know you and I have had our differences, but AA's getting me back on track. Help me with this conversation. Open Carl's heart.
Carl flipped on the den lights. “Did you want to watch television for a bit before we go to bed?”
I sat on the sofa, forgetting how much I enjoyed feeling the buttery leather on my bare legs. I’d already kicked off my sandals and curled my legs under me. “No television. I want to talk to you, though.”
Carl lowered himself into a chair. He cleared his throat. “Sure. Sure.”
“First, I want you to know that I’m committed to staying sober. I don’t want to be the Leah who left here almost thirty days ago. I’m not saying I’m some entirely new person. But I am trying to get a handle on myself, and my life, and our lives together. And we can do this together, but it's not going to be easy and it's not going to happen right away.”
The creases in his forehead ironed themselves out. He relaxed and leaned back into the chair. “I know this is going to be work. But like I promised, I’m going to help you every step of the way. I’m going to make sure you don’t ever take another drink. You can be sure of that.”
I wrapped my words in softness. “Carl, I want you to support me, and I’m grateful you’re willing to do that. But you don’t need to protect me from myself. It's not your responsibility to keep me away from alcohol. It's mine.”
“I’m just trying to help you the best way I know how,” he said, and the tint of defensiveness colored his voice.
He was right. Saving me from myself was the best way he knew how. In most cases, it was the only way. I remembered Trudie telling me sometimes she had to take things five minutes at a time. This was one of those times. “Really, I appreciate everything you’ve done and want to do. I didn’t think we’d be able to settle everything tonight. But there are two important things I want to talk to you about before we go to sleep.”
I watched his lips curl ever so slightly when he heard the word “sleep.” He crossed his leg, put one hand on his knee. “Yes?”
“This is really difficult for me to say, but I don’t want you to misunderstand or feel like I’m not being honest. I know I’ve been gone, and I know that's been tough for you, you know, as far as us, as far as sex. As far as sex is concerned.”
“Got that right.”
He wasn’t making this easy. “It's going to take me some time to adjust.”
“How much time are we talking about here?”
Anytime you want to jump in God, I’m ready. “Well, I don’t know. I mean, that's part of what I, we need to work on. “
“Let me make sure I understand this. You’re telling me that we’re not going to have sex tonight. Correct?”
“Yes, that's what I’m telling you. Part of it anyway.”
“And the other part is you don’t know when you’ll feel like having sex. Is that correct?”
“It's not so much a ‘feel like.’ It's more complicated than that. But as far as the when, you’re right. I don’t know exactly when. I’m not saying never. I’m asking … no, I’m telling you that I need time.”
“Great. So what am I