War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy [622]
“It is too painful for me to think that I could be the cause of grief or discord in the family of my benefactors,” she wrote, “and my love has no other aim than the happiness of those I love; and so I beg you, Nicolas, to consider yourself free and to know that, despite all, no one can love you more than—Your Sonya.”
Both letters came from the Trinity monastery. The other letter was from the countess. This letter described the last days in Moscow, the departure, the fire, and the loss of all their property. Among other things, the countess wrote that Prince Andrei was traveling with them among the wounded. His condition was very grave, but the doctor now said there was greater hope. Sonya and Natasha were taking care of him as nurses.
The next day Nikolai took this letter and went to see Princess Marya. Neither Nikolai nor Princess Marya said a word about what the words “Natasha is taking care of him” might mean; but owing to this letter, Nikolai and the princess were suddenly brought together in almost familial relations.
The next day Nikolai saw Princess Marya off to Yaroslavl, and a few days later left himself for the regiment.
VIII
Sonya’s letter to Nikolai, which was the realization of his prayer, had been written from the Trinity monastery. Here is how it came about. The old countess was more and more taken up with the idea of marrying Nikolai to a rich bride. She knew that Sonya was the chief obstacle to that. And Sonya’s life recently, especially after Nikolai’s letter describing his meeting with Princess Marya in Bogucharovo, was becoming more and more difficult in the countess’s house. The countess never missed an opportunity to make an insulting or cruel hint to Sonya.
But a few days before leaving Moscow, moved and troubled by all that was going on, the countess, having sent for Sonya, addressed her in tears, instead of with reproaches and demands, begging her to pay back all that had been done for her by sacrificing herself and breaking her bond with Nikolai.
“I won’t be at peace as long as you haven’t given me that promise.”
Sonya burst into hysterical sobs, answered through her sobs that she would do everything, that she was ready for everything, but promised nothing directly, and in her soul could not resolve to do what was demanded of her. She was to sacrifice herself for the happiness of the family that had nourished and raised her. To sacrifice herself for others was Sonya’s habit. Her position in the house was such that it was only on the path of sacrifice that she could show her worth, and she was accustomed to sacrificing herself and loved it. But formerly, in all her acts of self-sacrifice, she had been joyfully aware that in sacrificing herself she thereby raised her value in her own and other people’s eyes, and became more worthy of Nicolas, whom she loved more than anything in her life; but now her sacrifice was to consist in renouncing that which for her made up the whole reward for her sacrifice, the whole meaning of her life. And for the first time in her life she felt bitter towards the people who had been her benefactors only so as to torment her the more; she felt envy of Natasha, who had never experienced anything like that, who had never needed to sacrifice herself, but made others sacrifice themselves for her, and was loved even so. And for the first time Sonya felt her quiet, pure love for Nicolas suddenly begin to grow into a passionate feeling, which stood above the rules, and virtue, and religion; and, under the influence of that feeling, Sonya, having been taught by her life of dependence to be secretive, involuntarily answered the countess in general, indefinite terms, avoided talking further with her, and decided to wait for her meeting with Nikolai, not in order