Welcome to the Monkey House - Kurt Vonnegut [100]
"Thanks to the Remenzels," said Sylvia with pride.
"And a lot of other people too," said the doctor.
Sylvia read out loud again: "In 1799, Eli Remenzel laid the foundation for the present Scholarship Fund by donating to the school forty acres in Boston. The school still owns twelve of those acres, their current evaluation being $3,000,000."
"Eli!" said the doctor. "Sit up! What’s the matter with you?"
Eli sat up again, but began to slump almost immediately, like a snowman in hell. Eli had good reason for slumping, for actually hoping to die or disappear. He could not bring himself to say what the reason was. He slumped because he knew he had been denied admission to Whitehill. He had failed the entrance examinations. Eli’s parents did not know this, because Eli had found the awful notice in the mail and had torn it up.
Doctor Remenzel and his wife had no doubts whatsoever about their son’s getting into Whitehill. It was inconceivable to them that Eli could not go there, so they had no curiosity as to how Eli had done on the examinations, were not puzzled when no report ever came.
"What all will Eli have to do to enroll?" said Sylvia, as the black Rolls-Royce crossed the Rhode Island border.
"I don’t know," said the doctor. "I suppose they’ve got it all complicated now with forms to be filled out in quadruplicate, and punch-card machines and bureaucrats. This business of entrance examinations is all new, too. In my day a boy simply had an interview with the headmaster. The headmaster would look him over, ask him a few questions, and then say, ’There’s a Whitehill boy.’ "
"Did he ever say, ’There isn’t a Whitehill boy’?" said Sylvia.
"Oh, sure," said Doctor Remenzel, "if a boy was impossibly stupid or something. There have to be standards. There have always been standards. The African boys have to meet the standards, just like anybody else. They aren’t getting in just because the State Department wants to make friends. We made that clear. Those boys had to meet the standards."
"And they did?" said Sylvia.
"I suppose," said Doctor Remenzel. "I heard they’re all in, and they all took the same examination Eli did."
"Was it a hard examination, dear?" Sylvia asked Eli. It was the first time she’d thought to ask.
"Um," said Eli.
"What?" she said.
"Yes," said Eli.
"I’m glad they’ve got high standards," she said, and then she realized that this was a fairly silly statement. "Of course they’ve got high standards," she said. "That’s why it’s such a famous school. That’s why people who go there do so well in later life."
Sylvia resumed her reading of the catalogue again, opened out a folding map of "The Sward," as the campus of Whitehall was traditionally called. She read off the names of features that memorialized Remenzels—the Sanford Remenzel Bird Sanctuary, the George MacLellan Remenzel Skating Rink, the Eli Remenzel Memorial Dormitory, and then she read out loud a quatrain printed on one corner of the map:
"When night falleth gently
"Upon the green Sward,
"It’s Whitehill, dear Whitehill,
"Our thoughts all turn toward."
"You know," said Sylvia, "school songs are so corny when you just read them. But when I hear the Glee Club sing those words, they sound like the most beautiful words ever written, and I want to cry."
"Um," said Doctor Remenzel.
"Did a Remenzel write them?"
"I don’t think so," said Doctor Remenzel. And then he said, "No—Wait. That’s the new song. A Remenzel didn’t write it. Tom Kilyer wrote it."
"The man in that old car we passed?"
"Sure," said Doctor Remenzel. "Tom wrote it. I remember when he wrote it."
"A scholarship boy wrote it?" said Sylvia. "I think that’s awfully nice. He was a scholarship boy, wasn’t he?"
"His father was an ordinary automobile mechanic in North Marston."
"You hear what a democratic school you’re going to, Eli?" said Sylvia.
Half an hour later Ben Barkley brought the limousine to a stop before the Holly House, a rambling country inn twenty years older than the Republic. The inn was on the edge of the Whitehill Sward, glimpsing the school’s rooftops and spires