Welcome to the Monkey House - Kurt Vonnegut [61]
I got a funny feeling that the boy didn’t care much more about politics than I did. He had circles under his eyes, and he looked as though he’d just as soon be somewhere else. He would say strong things, but they came out sounding like music on a kazoo. The only time he got really interesting was when he told about being in sailboat races and golf and tennis matches with different Kennedys and their friends. He said that there was a lot of propaganda around about what a fine golfer Bobby Kennedy was, whereas Bobby actually couldn’t golf for sour apples. He said Pierre Salinger was one of the worst golfers in the world, and didn’t care for sailing or tennis at all.
Robert Taft Rumfoord’s parents were there to hear him. They had come all the way from Hyannis Port. They were both very proud of him—or at least the father was. The father had on white flannel trousers and white shoes, even though there was snow on the ground, and a double-breasted blue coat with brass buttons. The boy introduced him as Commodore William Rumfoord. The Commodore was a short man with very shaggy eyebrows, and pale blue eyes. He looked like a gruff, friendly teddy-bear, and so did his son. I found out later, from a Secret Service man, that the Kennedys sometimes called the Rumfoords "the Pooh people," on account of they were so much like the bear in the children’s book Winnie the Pooh.
The Commodore’s wife wasn’t a Pooh person, though. She was thin and quick, and maybe two inches taller than the Commodore. Bears have a way of looking as though they’re pretty much satisfied with everything. The Commodore’s lady didn’t have that look. I could tell she was jumpy about a lot of things.
After the boy was through pouring fire and brimstone on the Kennedys, with his father applauding everything he said, Hay Boyden, the building mover, stood up. He was a Kennedy Democrat, and he said some terrible things to the boy. The only one I remember is the first thing he said: "Son, if you keep blowing off steam like this during your Boy Scout days, you aren’t going to have an ounce of pressure left when you’re old enough to vote." It got worse from there on.
The boy didn’t get mad. He just got embarrassed, and answered back with some more kazoo music. It was the Commodore who really cared. He turned the color of tomato juice. He stood up and he argued back, did it pretty well, even though his wife was pulling at the bottom of his brass-buttoned coat the whole time. She was trying to get him to stop raising such an uproar, but the Commodore loved the uproar.
The meeting broke up with practically everybody embarrassed, and I went over to Hay Boyden to talk to him about something that didn’t have anything to do with Kennedy or Goldwater. It was about a bathtub enclosure I had sold him. He had insisted on installing it himself, saving himself about seven dollars and a half. Only it leaked, and his dining-room ceiling fell down, and Hay claimed that was the fault of the merchandise and not the installation. Hay had some poison left in his system from his argument with the boy, so he used it up on me. I answered him back with the truth, and walked away from him, and Commodore Rumfoord grabbed my hand and shook it. He thought I’d been defending his boy and Barry Goldwater.
"What business you in?" he asked me.
I told him, and, the next thing I knew, I had an order for storm windows all around on a four-story house in Hyannis Port. The Commodore called that big old house a cottage.
"You’re a Commodore in the Navy?" I asked him.
"No," he said. "My father, however, was Secretary of the Navy under William Howard Taft. That’s my full name: Commodore William Howard Taft Rumfoord."
"You’re in the Coast Guard?" I said.
"You mean the Kennedy Private Fleet?" he said.
"Pardon me?" I said.
"That’s what they ought to call the Coast Guard these days," he said. "Its sole mission seems to be