Welcome to the Monkey House - Kurt Vonnegut [82]
A small, very serious old man in white had let himself in, and was now standing in the vestibule, looking at us with alarm. "Milkman," he said uncertainly. He held out a slip of paper to Marion. "I can’t read the last line in your note," he said. "What’s that say about cottage cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese ..." His voice trailed off as he settled, tailor-fashion, to the floor beside Marion. After he’d been silent for perhaps three quarters of an hour, a look of concern crossed his face. "Well," he said apathetically, "I can only stay for a minute. My truck’s parked out on the shoulder, kind of blocking things." He started to stand. Lew gave the volume knob on the euphio a twist. The milkman wilted to the floor.
"Aaaaaaaaaaah," said everybody.
"Good day to be indoors," the milkman said. "Radio says we’ll catch the tail end of the Atlantic hurricane."
"Let ’er come," I said. "I’ve got my car parked under a big, dead tree." It seemed to make sense. Nobody took exception to it. I lapsed back into a warm fog of silence and thought of nothing whatsoever. These lapses seemed to last for a matter of seconds before they were interrupted by conversation of newcomers. Looking back, I see now that the lapses were rarely less than six hours.
I was snapped out of one, I recall, by a repetition of the doorbell’s ringing. "I said come in," I mumbled.
"And I did," the milkman mumbled.
The door swung open, and a state trooper glared in at us. "Who the hell’s got his milk truck out there blocking the road?" he demanded. He spotted the milkman. "Aha! Don’t you know somebody could get killed, coming around a blind curve into that thing?" He yawned, and his ferocious expression gave way to an affectionate smile. "It’s so damn’ unlikely," he said, "I don’t know why I ever brought it up." He sat down by Eddie. "Hey, kid—like guns?" He took his revolver from its holster. "Look—just like Hoppy’s."
Eddie took the gun, aimed it at Marion’s bottle collection and fired. A large blue bottle popped to dust and the window behind the collection splintered. Cold air roared in through the opening.
"He’ll make a cop yet," Marion chortled.
"God, I’m happy," I said, feeling a little like crying. "I got the swellest little kid and the swellest bunch of friends and the swellest old wife in the world." I heard the gun go off twice more, and then dropped into heavenly oblivion.
Again the doorbell roused me. "How many times do I have to tell you—for Heaven’s sake, come in," I said, without opening my eyes.
"I did," the milkman said.
I heard the tramping of many feet, but had no curiosity about them. A little later, I noticed that I was having difficulty breathing. Investigation revealed that I had slipped to the floor, and that several Boy Scouts had bivouacked on my chest and abdomen.
"You want something?" I asked the tenderfoot whose hot, measured breathing was in my face.
"Beaver Patrol wanted old newspapers, but forget it," he said. "We’d just have to carry ’em somewhere."
"And do your parents know where you are?"
"Oh, sure. They got worried and came after us." He jerked his thumb at several couples lined up against the baseboard, smiling into the teeth of the wind and rain lashing in at them through the broken window.
"Mom, I’m kinda hungry," Eddie said.
"Oh, Eddie—you’re not going to make your mother cook just when we’re having such a wonderful time," Susan said.
Lew Harrison gave the euphio’s volume knob another twist. "There, kid, how’s that?"
"Aaaaaaaaaaah," said everybody.
When awareness intruded on oblivion again, I felt around for the Beaver Patrol, and found them missing. I opened my eyes to see that they and Eddie and the milkman and Lew and the trooper were standing by a picture window, cheering. The wind outside was roaring and slashing savagely and driving raindrops through the broken window as though they’d been fired from air rifles. I shook Susan gently, and together we went to the window to see what might be so entertaining.
"She’s going, she’s going,