• Choose a category
• All
• Classic-Fiction

—on Bruce Springsteen

“A couple of clueless Ernies from the Midlands."

—on Robert Plant and John Bonham

“He’s trying to steal my headlines."

—on Sid Vicious’s suicide

while Keith was on a

drug charge in Canada

“Who are you supposed to be—Alfred Hitchcock?"

—to neophyte film director Ben Stiller

“There are certain guys that are band players and there’s certain guys that ain’t. If there’s anybody lazier than me, it’s Eric."

—on Eric Clapton

“I ain’t too interested in white bands who rip off white bands who ripped off black bands."

“That he’s not in it!"

—finishing a reporter’s comment

that the Kinks’ Ray Davies has

one problem with the Stones

“Bob’s a nasty little bugger. I remember him saying to me, ‘I could have written ‘Satisfaction,’ but you couldn’t have written ‘Desolation Row.’ ”

—on Bob Dylan

“The prophet of profit."

—again, on Bob Dylan

CHAPTER SIX

EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS

(maybe) WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT

KEITH RICHARDS

BUT WERE (maybe) AFRAID TO ASK

NICKNAMES: Keef, The Human Riff, The World’s Most Elegantly Wasted Human, and, as a child, Ricky

LIKES: Stealing ashtrays (hobby from the 1970s)

Sausages and mashed potatoes, shepherd’s pie, heroin

Five sugars in tea or coffee

Canned ravioli for sauce on spaghetti

Playing dominoes

Staying up late. Or, better yet: staying up for four days straight

Hoagy Carmichael, Muddy Waters, Elvis Presley, Chuck Berry,

Howlin’ Wolf, Scottie Moore, Eddie Cochran, and, of course,

AC/DC

Favored quality in a woman: Understanding

DISLIKES: Elton John

PHOBIA: Cheese*

IF HE COULD BE ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, HE WOULD BE: A dream

INFLUENCED: Pete Townshend’s signature windmill guitar move, Johnny Depp’s Jack Sparrow character in Pirates of the Caribbean, countless rock ’n’ roll guitar players from 1964 onward, the early punk-rock aesthetic, the personal style of a few women, including Patti Smith, Chrissie Hynde, and the feminist provacateur Camille Paglia, the song “Keith Don’t Go” by Nils Lofgren, and numerous lame jokes about age and death.

BIG DREAM: To write “Legless Trousers,” a bio of no-legged World War II pilot Douglas Gader

PETS: A mouse in childhood—saved from a kid who threatened to kill it; several cats and dogs, mostly strays. There was one mutt named Syphilis, one named Ratbag (smuggled out of U.S. customs), some dogs rescued from Russia (including one renamed the Czar of Connecticut) and one who ate a dry food called Mick. Has long had a reputation for being kind to animals.

IMPRESSIVE ACCOMPLISHMENT: Started his own urban legend: that he went regularly to Switzerland for blood transfusions

UNIMPRESSIVE NON-ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Car crashes. Has a fondness for fancy cars, particularly Bentleys, but he may be one of the worst drivers in the Western Hemisphere. Numerous accidents, most due to speeding. Rarely drives anymore. (“They won’t let me.")

HOBBY: Guitar. Owns approximately three thousand. Favors a 1950s Fender Telecaster. Tunes guitar to an open G. Often removes the lower E string. Has I’M INNOCENT inscribed on his guitar picks.

FAVORITE MOVIES: Hitchcock’s Murder, The Thirty-nine Steps, The Man Who Would Be King.

PSEUDONYMS: Often gave himself the name Mr. Bentley when checking into hotels, but beyond this, the most typical name change was when he was asked by manager Andrew Loog Oldham to drop the S from Richards in the 1960s. Ten years later, in an act of protracted rebellion, he put the S back in.

EARLY JOBS: Many, and none glamorous: A milk route (but never being an early riser, that one ended fast), a post office gig, a ball boy at a tennis court (weekends, from ages eight to thirteen), and demonstrating refrigerators and washing machines with his mother. After earning his first twelve pounds, he yelled, “I’m rich!"

EARLY ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Won first fight by using a bicycle chain.

THE RECORDS HE’D TAKE TO A DESERT ISLAND: Chuck Berry’s “Little Queenie,” anything by Bach and Mozart, “Still a Fool” by Muddy Waters, Buddy Holly’s “That’ll