What Would Satan Do_ - Anthony Miller [125]
“Isn’t that what I just said?” asked Satan.
“Yes,” said Festus, in the awestruck manner of someone who has just converted a perfectly good corn field into a baseball diamond and is now watching dead guys in pinstriped pants warm up, “you did.” He continued to stand very still.
Though effective, pretending to be a lamp post was not the favored reaction of all those present. There was a smattering of holy cows, holy craps, and holy shits behind Satan as the soldiers hurried and huddled and ran in circles trying to figure out what to do with themselves. Whitford and Cadmon were slightly less vocal or Brownian in their motion as they realized, apparently, that they had other places to be. They both turned and attempted to go to those places, but Satan did the ground-rumbling, building-shaking, amplified super-voice thing again.
“Stop!” The lights flickered, and more little clouds of plastery stuff drifted to the floor.
All the soldiers, governors, and other jerks who hadn’t already hoofed it around the corner stopped immediately, for Satan had not merely said the word – he’d spoken it (past tense: spake). And he had not just spoken it to the soldiers – he’d spoken unto them. So they hadn’t really had any choice about it. It is, after all, well known that when the Devil incarnate speakest unto thou, thou oughtest to listen the fuck up.
“Do not move!” spake he. But then he turned unto Festus, and, his earthquaking complete, resumed a much less astral aspect. “That okay with you?”
“Uh, them? Stopping? Pssh … Sure.” Festus waved it off, as if he’d planned to stop them too.
“No, you twit. My name.”
“Oh, yeah. Cool,” said Festus, nodding and feeling not very cool at all. “Thanks.”
“No problem,” said Satan. He winked.
“Dude,” whispered Raju, sidling up beside Festus, “that was totally badass.” Festus nodded – the badassedness of it could not be denied. Raju held his hand out, securing a surreptitious five.
Lola rolled her eyes. “Where did Cadmon go?” she asked. But nobody seemed interested.
“So,” said Whitford, holding up his meaty palms. “Can we get on with whatever this,” he waved at all of this, “is?”
The Devil spun slowly on his heel to face the Governor. He glanced at each of the soldiers. “You, you, you, and you,” he said, “kindly fuck off.”
The soldiers looked at one another and then around at the walls and floor. Where should they fuck off to? There were a couple of popping sounds, and suddenly, where before there had been several confused soldiers, there were now several equally uncertain ferrets. One decided, apparently, that he should fuck off in Satan’s direction. Satan indicated that this conclusion was incorrect by kicking it. It went flying down the hall, and the others scampered after it.
Whitford didn’t even blink. “So…?” he said, grimacing.
“So.” Satan flicked his wrist, waving the fiery shotgun around.
The shotgun exploded.
“Damnit!” said Satan. “Why does that keep happening?” He put a singed finger in his mouth and then spun to hurl the remnants of the shotgun at one of the old guys.
The old guy ducked out of the way. Satan held out his hand, wiggling it impatiently. “Give me yours.”
The old man stood up from the crouch he’d adopted to avoid flying bits of exploded, flaming shotgun. His face was hard, his eyes slitty and mean. He stepped forward and thrust his weapon at the Devil.
“Don’t give me that look,” said Satan, taking the gun. He leaned to the side to peer at the other old man. “You either.”
Neither of the old men said a word. Each just stared with hard, glinty eyes at Satan, but that only lasted for a second.
Satan turned back to deal with Whitford, ignoring the chorus of horrified gasps of those who’d watched the old men poof into clouds of dust that were now slowly streaming – like magical, used-to-be-an-old-guy fairy dust – toward the floor. “I know what you’ve been—” He stopped when he realized that the Governor was now lying on the ground, gasping and gacking and bleeding all over the place, presumably on account of the large, jagged chunk of flaming shotgun barrel that had