What Would Satan Do_ - Anthony Miller [131]
Ezekiel lowered his hands, and laughed. “It’s too late,” he said. “It’s done. And there is nothing you can do.” He raised the sword up again.
“No!” shouted Festus. He leapt onto Ezekiel’s back – or he tried to anyway. He wasn’t in great shape – which is like saying that Antarctica isn’t terribly warm – and his vertical leap only merited the designation “vertical” inasmuch as he didn’t fall over sideways onto his head.
Ezekiel twisted and spun as he tried to see who was holding on to his butt. Festus held on for dear life and screamed.
“Help me!”
Liam, Lola, and Raju just stared, unable to move or think in the face of Festus’ heretofore unprecedented physical activity, which involved far more angelic buttock clasping than they were used to seeing from Festus. Cadmon, who assumed that this was some sort of homo-erotic pinko liberal shit, looked on in disgust. “Ezekiel, you need to explain something. Right now!”
“Get off, you freak!” said Ezekiel.
“Help me, damnit!” said Festus. “We have to stop him!”
“Um … okay,” said Liam, slowly and uncertainly..
“Ezekiel!” said Cadmon, oblivious to the fact that Ezekiel had at least two more pressing matters to attend to. “I don’t understand what’s going on here. What do you mean by ‘we never should have followed you’? Ezekiel?” He tugged on the feathers at the end of one of Ezekiel’s wings.
The angel whipped around, causing Festus’ legs to swing out wide and smack into the wall. “Shut up.”
“I just don’t under—” said Cadmon.
“I don’t care!” roared the angel. He grunted, twisting back and forth as he tried to dislodge Festus.
“Help!” said Festus.
Lola looked at Liam and shrugged. “What should we do?” Liam shrugged back.
Raju did not shrug. He clapped giddily and jumped up and down. “This is awesome!” he said. “Hold on tight, dude!”
Lola smacked Cadmon in the head with her pistol, and redirected the shooty end to point at the whirling dervish that was Ezekiel. “Try to be still, Festus!” She stood with her feet shoulder-width apart, and adjusted her aim. “I’m going to try to shoot the angel!”
Festus screamed louder.
Liam stepped over close to Lola. “You know, I think you might want to—”
“Don’t distract me,” she said. “This is hard enough!” She squinted one eye and stuck her tongue out the side of her mouth.
“Oh my god!” said Festus. “Liam! Help!”
“Festus, you’re just in the way!” said Lola. “Be still, damn it!”
Raju ran forward and leapt onto the spinning angel to help Festus. “It’s so firm!” he said, pressing his face against one of the angel’s glutes.
Ezekiel seemed not to like this very much. He stopped twisting back and forth, and instead began to spin in one direction.
“Holy shit! Ow!” Raju’s legs now extended straight out as the angel spun faster and faster as if he, Ezekiel, and Festus were a kind of avant-guard, experimental ice dancing team. “Ow!”
Festus’ vocal contributions were of the less articulate variety.
Lola finally fired a shot, but Cadmon jumped on her just as she squeezed the trigger. Some feathers poofed up into the air and wafted away from Ezekiel, but he just kept spinning with his butt hanger-onners.
Liam jumped on Cadmon, and the three of them had a good wrestle. Cadmon tried to get the gun from Lola. Lola tried to keep it, while also attempted alternatively either to bite the preacher or prevent him from being able to have children. Meanwhile, Liam tried to pull Cadmon off Lola, and Cadmon tried to elbow Liam in the head.
There was an explosion of brilliant light and a grinding, roboty sound, as if somebody had accidentally uncorked a bottle of lightning inside a jumbo-sized dot matrix printer. The brilliant flash was followed immediately by a concussive shock wave, which caused Ezekiel to stop spinning, and sent Raju and Festus crashing into the wall.
Lola, Cadmon, and Liam stopped wrestling. The tied-up soldier stopped writhing against his belt restraint, and the floor stopped shaking.
“Shit, man,” said Raju, standing and brushing himself