What Would Satan Do_ - Anthony Miller [75]
“That,” she turned to face Liam, “is really screwed up. And totally mystifying.”
“He’s not just helping out?” asked Festus.
Lola turned back to look at Festus, her eyes suspicious. But Festus grinned a big, stupid grin, and she relented.
“No, Whitford’s not helping. I mean, New Orleans is in bad shape, don’t get me wrong. But there was no need for him to rush in and play the hero.”
“But given the federal government’s track record…” said Festus.
“Well, what you don’t know is that Whitford actually mobilized the Texas State Guard before anyone knew for sure the storm was going to hit New Orleans.”
“Texas has its own army?” asked Festus.
“Yes, well— Texas and about twenty other states have them. It’s basically the same thing as the National Guard, but separate. But there’s more.”
Liam started to speak, but Lola cut him off. “We have reason to believe,” she said, “that, contrary to reports, the Louisiana governor wasn’t killed in the storm.”
“What?” asked Festus. “He’s still alive?”
“No. He disappeared hours before the storm hit.”
“Huh,” said Liam. “Weird.” He said this with rather less excitement than might be expected of someone who has just learned that his governor went and whacked the governor of a neighboring state. In fact, he might as well have been remarking on the presence of an oddly-shaped cloud.
“Weird?” asked Festus, supplying some of the enthusiasm that had been missing from Liam’s statement. “It’s crazy! I can’t believe it.”
“Yeah,” said Lola. “It’s all very strange. It’s almost—well, it’s definitely too much. Too weird. I— I just can’t figure it out.”
Festus leaned forward and rested his elbows on the top of the front seats. “I’ve got three—four—five words for you guys,” he said. “It’s the end of the world. Okay, that was six. But here’s two more: Fuck, yeah.” This elicited a tiny, barely perceptible smirk from Lola. “So, I’m serious,” said Festus. “I think it’s the end of the world.”
“He’s got this conspiracy theory,” muttered Liam.
Lola raised an eyebrow at Liam. The raised eyebrow said, “You’re the one who wanted to bring him.”
“It’s not a conspiracy theory,” said Festus. “I mean, think about it. You got this guy, he’s taking over the world. He invaded Louisiana…”
Liam started to interrupt. “He didn’t—”
“Dude, the fact that he had the Louisiana Governor killed ahead of time confirms it. Whitford isn’t on a humanitarian mission. He invaded the state, plain and simple.” He turned back to Lola. “And now he controls all that oil. And he’s barricading the state, and building up an army.” Festus sat back in his seat as Liam executed another maneuver straight out of James Bond’s own copy of Her Majesty’s Top Secret Driving Manual.
Liam and Lola sat in silence for a moment, not so much digesting what Festus had said as suffering from the mental equivalent of heartburn.
When he spoke again, he was much less animated; almost contemplative. “It’s like he’s all four Horsemen of the Apocalypse at once. White, black, green.” Suddenly the animation came back. “The earthquakes and all the storms – we didn’t have any of those here until after he came back from Washington.”
“Festus,” said Liam. But Festus was totally absorbed by his own theorizing. “Festus!”
Festus looked up. “What?”
“This is crazy. Crazy talk. Total nonsense. So stop it already.”
Festus seemed to deflate a little, but then perked right back up. “How about the plagues of locusts?”
“And frogs,” said Lola.
“Toads,” said Festus.
Lola rolled her eyes. “Toads.”
“Purely coincidental,” said Liam. “Your theory is crazy talk.”
“Well, wait a second,” said Lola. “Whitford is pretty religious.”
“Yeah,” said Festus, “if, by ‘very’ you mean, ‘totally fucking batshit’. Sure.”
“Right,” said Lola, turning to Liam. “Like, he’s opposed to any kind of Israeli-Palestinian peace because he thinks it would go against God’s will or something.” Liam shot her a look that