What Would Satan Do_ - Anthony Miller [99]
“Holy shit!” The hardened edge of El Jefe’s demeanor vanished, and he immediately ceased to convey his usual sense of authority and ass-kicking-ness in favor of something altogether more like shock. The car, apparently sensing the lapse, started veering all over the place, pretty much in whatever the hell direction struck its fancy. The tires left thick trails of rubber along the pavement in large, Z-for-Zorro shapes as it hurtled northward.
“Aaaaaaahhh.” Josiah screamed in the loudest, most enthusiastic voice his old lungs could muster as the car careened back and forth across the freeway. He fired a shotgun blast through his window, presumably to punctuate his exclamation, which was really kind of the rhetorical equivalent of using twelve-molar hydrochloric acid to get a stain out.
“Jesus!” said El Jefe, moving from mere shock to Def-Con 5. The Town Car careened some more, and a beat up old econo-box covered in stickers exhorting other drivers to save something or other departed the freeway unexpectedly. The remaining old guys hollered and yelped.
Satan snatched the gun out of Josiah’s hand. He regarded it for a moment, twisting it this way and that, and then lit it on fire.
“Regard the Flaming Shotgun of … Retribution,” said the Devil. He stifled a little giggle. “What do you th—?” The car changed directions abruptly, causing Satan’s aged seatmates to lurch and flop around in the back seat. Josiah ended up in Satan’s lap.
“Stop that,” said Satan, smacking Josiah with the butt of the gun.
Josiah sat up immediately. “Ack! I’m on fire!” he said. “Put me out! Put me out!”
Satan scowled at his seat mate, and then attempted to comply by putting the man out the open window. This involved a lot of pushing and a few judicious smacks with the fiery butt of the gun. It’s not easy to toss an old guy out a car window, even if you are the Devil, and even if the tossee was nice enough to shoot the glass out already. Satan watched the man tumble and roll as he hit the pavement, and then turned his attention back to El Jefe, who had finally managed to get the automobile pointed in the right direction, and was trying to bring it to a halt on the shoulder of the freeway.
“Keep going!” bellowed Satan. He scooted over to the larger, more comfortable seat that had recently been occupied by Josiah, and bared his teeth against the buffeting wind that streamed through the shattered window. He sat back and smiled.
Angus, the last remaining old guy passenger, stared at Satan with the stoic, calm eyes of a man who knows better than to try to raise a stink in the face of whatever supernatural bullshit had just transpired there in the automobile. He held his chin high, and looked Satan right the eye.
A moment later, anyone who had continued to follow the Lincoln down the Mopac Expressway after Josiah’s untimely expulsion and tumbling routine down the freeway (and there was, in fact, a truck full of fraternity boys who had not stopped) was treated to the sight of a very stoic rooster hurtling out the rear window of the Lincoln Town Car that had been careening all over the place.
Satan extinguished the flaming shotgun and settled further down into his seat. “So,” he said, “tell me about this army.”
In the front, El Jefe sat hunched over, and was apparently too busy gripping the hell out of the steering wheel to notice that Satan was speaking to him.
“Your friend,” Satan gestured to the front passenger seat, “said something about that preacher having an army.”
“I—” El Jefe stopped, and with a tiny shake of his head, shut his mouth tight.
“Speak to me,” said Satan. “Nobody is going to hurt you. You’re safe now. Very safe.”
The hardened look on El Jefe’s face melted away. His eyes drooped and his head lolled slightly. “The boss. He’s in cha—in charge. He’s— the boss.” The tires made a rumbling sound as the car began to drift into the next lane.
“Steady now,” said the Devil.
A hint of a comfortable smile escaped the corner of El Jefe’s mouth. He held up his hand and dropped it again, as if he were waving off an offer of help.