Where have all the bullets gone_ - Spike Milligan [43]
Why I was so overjoyed at the prospect of leave in the UK was silly. In Italy I was eating better, getting paid better and all in sunshine. No! it was that thing called ‘home’: wanting to get back to what it was before it all happened. Alas, there was no going back, ever. It would never be the same again for any of us. We were dreaming, chum. Now I furtively release this letter I wrote to my pal in 19 Battery, then ‘somewhere in Holland’:
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GNR T.A. MILLIGAN.
675024
’O’ BRANCH GHQ 2nd ECHELON
CMF.
13/6/45
MY DEAR OLD SPLATTER GUTZ,
ITS ABOUT TIME WE GOT IN CONTACT, WITH EACH OTHER.
IT WAS NOT UNTIL THE OTHER DAY I WAS SURE WHERE THE REGIMENT WERE…YOU LOW SKUM…STAND BACK HUP THERE…LEAWVE ME IN THIS STINKING HOLE WITH NO LETTERS HUP THERE…HI…HUP. SO YOU HAVE HAD LEAVE IN BLIGHTY…YOU LOW SOD HUP THERE LLLLHO…HUP THERE…STAND BACK WHILE HE ARISES…AND I SUPPOSE THERE WAS MUCH NECKING WITH THE HACKER…EH???HUP THERE…HO…HI YOU SKUMFILTH…AND DID YOU ATTEMOT TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME…DID YOU…F…..ARSOLES…HI…HUP THERE…STAND BACK LET HIM UP…W.H.A.C.K.…TAKE THAT…WALLLOOOOPPPPP…SWAT…YOU DONT LIKE IT…KLUNK…(RIGHT ON HIS FILTHY CRUST) AND WHAT IS IT LIKE IN BLA…..???? DONT TELL ME TOU SWINE…FILTHY BLACK DROOLING SWINE…BLAM…RIGHT IN THE OLD BREAD BASKET…HI THERE HUP…HO…HOW IS THE OLD BAND GOING…EH…OH ITS FINE…WELL TAKE THAT…KLUD SPLAT…RIGHT IN THE KNCKERS…HO HO HIS FACE IS TURNIG A TRIFLE BLUE…AND IT CANT BE THE COLD SIR…YOUR PHOTO WAS IN THE ‘TATLER WITH THE REST OF THE CONCERT PARTY A LA ROMA…YOUVE SEEN IT EH???? WELL TAKE THAT…BLATSMAZSH…RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES…HO THERE HUP ITS YER OLD FORGOTTON DUS2Y PAL SPIKE…CLANG…ON THE SHIN WITH A BRASS ROLLING PIN…HA IT HURTS.WHACK.WHACK. WHACK…HEH HEH HEH…TEE HEE HEE…..MY BROTHER DESMOND IS IN HAMBURG…IN THE OX AND BUCKS…TRY AND LOOK HIM UP…TAKIMNG OF LOOKING UP…LOOK AT THAT AEROPLANE…..KRUNCH SPLAT RIGHT IN THE GLOTTIS…HO THERE HUP…HI AND AWAY TO THE SPANISH TWIST PIPE. I’M BACK IN CIRCULATION ON THE HORN…AND LEADING A 4 PIECE BRASS SECTION…PLUS FOUR SAXES…WE CAME 4th IN THE ALL ITALY CONTEST…OH YOU HAVENT HEARD ABOUT IT WELL…ZONGKLUD…FOR YOU STUPID OLD ARSE…..AND IM IN AGE GROUP 28…..SO ILL BE GOING HOME ABOUT THE SAME TIME AS YOU…WE WILL HAVE A PARTY WITH A BIG CLUB IN THE CORNOR…AND DO YOU KNOW WAHT HAPPENS WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT…???? YOU MAKE A GRAB FOR HACHER…BUT DO YOU REACHER.?. HO HO NO NO HI HUP! THERE.!..DONG!!!RIGHT ON YOUR CRUST COMES THE LAVISH KNOWLEDGED NAIL FILLED CLUB…OH OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH MY POOR BATTERED CRUST YOU MOAN…HEE HEE WHACK…AND IS QUIT BAR THE MONOTOUS KLUNK OF THE KLUB ON YOU KRUST!!! EVERY ONE IS
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Transcribed typed letter to Harry Edgington, June 13 1945
Calligraphy experts have described the handwriting as ‘critical’, and who are we to argue with qualified nursing sisters?
While waiting for LIAP, we continue to play for dances, but as the photo shows I have been promoted to the right, so I am within hitting distance of the pianist.
The new white jacket band on a cloth of gold, plus a moustache…
Notice too I have grown a moustache, brass players swear it: ‘bound the embouchure’. It made me swear, a real bloody bind, and shaving became difficult, but, you see, Robert Taylor had grown one and I couldn’t let him get away with it.
The Torch of Love is Extinguished
One letter did it. Lily Dinley is getting married! That’s bad enough, but, to another man. That’s terrible. This was the girl I had carried a torch for. Though she had officially left me, I lived in hopes that one day she’d officially come back, if only to get the money I owed her. I prayed she would change her mind or her body; as long as the latter stayed the same shape as when I last saw it at 47 Revlon Road, Brockley — it was better than egg and chips. Anyway, her letter sent me into the depths of depression and when I arrived, no one was down there. This letter lets in the light for you dear dear readers. I’ve excised certain parts which would not interest you; they just contained