Where have all the bullets gone_ - Spike Milligan [52]
I waited, they didn’t give it away. It was fresh and sparkling and delicious. I remember my parents telling me of their Salad Days in India during the Afternoon of the Raj. They used to drink Heidsicke Dry Monopole, and here was I twenty years on drinking it for the first time.
I was wrong, we were pissed by eleven. We buy a second bottle for the journey.
“All Liap No. 26 back on the twain.”
A late purchase of some Brie and we glide from the station. In the distance we see the exquisite Château Sarat. How can people live in such luxury, while my parents are eating the furniture. Never mind, I’ll be rich one day, and if possible the day after that as well. We are at sea level, but none is getting in. What? We are not going to stop in Paris. This is a breach of the Geneva Convention.
“The rotten bastards,” says Len, who was looking forward to Paris, and is now looking back at it. Never mind, there’ll be another war. Before that we must open the champagne! We retire to the corridor. Like barbarians we shake the living daylights out of the bottle. This was the way Clark Gable opened it in San Francisco. We swig from the bottle and soon we aren’t missing Paris at all. We are jolted awake as the train suddenly screeches to a halt. Amiens. My God, we are reinforcements for World War One. “Oh,” says Len, “that stuff.” I didn’t know he’d had a stuff, he must have done it while I was asleep.
The RTO Sergeant is wobbling down the corridors: “Calais in two hours.” he calls. I must wash and brush up. Calais, one of the Sunk Ports.
“Have you ever seen the statue of the Burghers in Calais?” says Len.
“No, I’m waiting till they make the film.”
A last coffee in the Buffet car. The waiters are breathing a sigh that the culinary barbarians are leaving. But what bad cooks the English are — they even burnt Joan of Arc.
Still miles from Calais, yet the idiot Sergeants are getting their luggage down. Some are even standing at the door. In their tiny minds they think they’ll get there quicker. Why don’t they stand near a graveyard?
Our train is slowing. The canvas is grey, a spaghetti of railway lines, black industrial complexes, many of them bombed skeletons. A mess of railway sidings, rolling stock, here and there a burnt-out tanker; slower and slower and then in the middle of a sea of points, we are told, “All out!” Waiting in the grey gloom are three RTO Sergeants, all brass, bianco and bullshit. We split into two groups. “NCOs this way please.” (PLEASE???) We two-step over a hundred yards of tracks. NO. 4 TRANSIT CAMP says the sign, and who are we to argue. “In here, gentlemen,” (GENTLEMEN?) The Sergeant shows us into a Nissen hut. Beds and an iron stove.
“Make yourselves comfortable,” he says.
“How?” I say.
We are to report to the Camp Office for documentation. “It says here you’re a bombardier,” says a clerk.
“Yes, I’m a bombardier.”
“You’ve got sergeant’s stripes on.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“It’s a tertiary appointment awaiting ratification through G5 Documentation.” That floored him. He stamped my Travel Warrant and we were free from the tyranny of twits.
The Hotel de Ville — Where British Tea and Buns held sway that Golden October day
Well, you see the postcard. Well, it’s much bigger in fact. A walk through the streets of Calais wasn’t exactly enervating, grey; rather like Catford on a good day. The Hotel de Ville is now Le NAAFI. We have le tea and le beans on le toast. I keep an eye open for any lads from le 19 Battery, it would be nice to see Driver Kidgell or Gunner Edgington; but no, 19 Battery are all in Holland and at this moment possibly all knee trembling in doorways. We finish le meal and partons pour le Camp. Army or not, bed is lovely, even though it’s made of wood with springs missing. A goodnight gesture as Len stokes up the fire. As I doze off, I hear rain falling. It will do le garden good.
LAST LEG OF THE JOURNEY…
REVEILLE 0600
BREAKFAST 0700
PARADE 0830
EMBARK 0900-1000
It all sounds reasonable, no need to see a solicitor after all. The channel steamer SS Appalling (the name of the ship has been