Where have all the bullets gone_ - Spike Milligan [64]
Dick Scratcher’s name went down next to Secombe’s in the ‘never again’ list. After the war, Harry was appearing at the Palladium and was visited by the Great Zoll and his wife. Harry noticed that the woman’s legs and arms were bandaged. “I’ve changed the act,” says the Great Zoll. “I’m into knife throwing.”
The best pianist in the CPA was Johnny Bornheim. Late nights we would play in the rehearsal room with a bottle of wine as company. Bornheim was a furrier in civvy street, but should have been a concert pianist. Self-taught, he could literally play anything.
He was fascinated with Bill Hall. He once pointed out, “No one has ever seen Bill Hall’s body alive!” True, he only showered after dark and likewise never took his clothes off with the light on. Was he hiding something? We decided to raid Bill Hall’s body.
In darkness we wait by his bed. Comes 0200 hours, Bill shuffles in, he is undressing, he is down to his shirt and socks. Before he can enter his pit, we signal the lights on, and six of us seize him, remove his remaining garments, and hold him down, naked, struggling and swearing. I hold a clipboard with an anatomical list. Bornheim goes to work with a stick. He starts at the top.
“Head, one, with stray hairs attached plus dandruff.”
“Check.”
“Earoles and wax, two.”
“Check.”
“Neck, scrawny with Adam’s apple, one.”
“Check.”
“Chest, sunken with stray hairs, one.”
“Check.”
“You bastards,” he is yelling and struggling.
“Legs, thin with lumps on knees, two.”
“Check.”
Bornheim elevates Hall’s scrotum on the stick. “Cobblers, red with purple tinges, two.”
“Check.”
“Chopper with foreskin attached, one.”
“Check.”
We released him and he chased us, hurling his and other people’s boots. A drunken Secombe enters, sees the naked wraith, embraces him. “My, you’re looking lovely in the moonlight, Amanda.” Amanda says Piss Off. Hall has to fight off the insane raspberrying Welshman. If only his Queen could have seen him that night.
As to Trooper Johnny Mulgrew of Glasgow, he had a wicked sense of humour; his idea of a joke was a huge beaming woman in a wheelchair being pushed through Hyde Park by a dying cripple. Always good for a laugh.
’Over the Page’
This was the show that launched the Bill Hall Trio. It was the brainchild of Captain Hector Ross, whose play Men in Shadow I had destroyed at Maddaloni. It was sheer luck: one of the acts for Over (he Page had withdrawn at the last moment, a sort of theatrical Coitus Interruptus. Could the Trio fill in? Yes. I knew that just playing jazz never was a winner, so I persuaded the wardrobe to give us the worst ragged costumes we could find. I worked out some patter and introductions. I never dreamed we would be anything more than just ‘another act’. The set for Over the Page was a huge book.
Over the Page stage set
The artistes were a mixture of Italian professionals and soldier amateurs. Monday December 6th 1945 the show opened at the Bellini Theatre to a packed house. The write-up says it all:
Over the Page orchestra
The male and female chorus from Over the Page
’Over the page’ is brught, funny’
Something new in stage entertainment is the Ensa-A.W.S. production Over the Page, showing this week at the Bellini. Presented as musical magazine, it is bright and colourful with no lack of comic relief.
Hit of the show in Naples so far has been Bill Hall’s Trio, consisting of Bill himself on the violin, Spike Milligan (guitar) and Jock Mullgrew (bass). On Monday night they were called back for two encores, and exihibited an amazing ability for playing first-rate hot music in grand comedy style. They also accompany Donna Tella, a popular young singing discovery from Rome.
What the paper said: excerpt from the Union Jack, December 12 1945 (transcribed newspaper cutting)
We were one incredible hit. When we came off, we were stunned. I couldn’t believe