Where have all the bullets gone_ - Spike Milligan [82]
Lieutenant Priest boards the charabanc. “Answer your names,” he says.
“Bornheim G.”
“Sah,” we all shout.
“Mulgrew J?”
“Sah,” we all answer.
He tears up the list in mock defeat; the charabanc and its precious cargo of piss artists proceeds forth. We inch thru the unforgettable fish market off the Piazza Capuana, displaying everything from water-fleas to tuna on the barrows. The mongers douse their catches with water. “Fools,” says Bornheim. “They’ll never revive them.” The church bells are anointing the air, each peal sending flocks of pigeons airborne on nervous wings. Through the machicolated crowds we edge, finally arriving at the peeling front of the Albergo Rabacino, which roughly translated means Rabies. Ronnie Priest flies into its front portals. He’s annoyed — the Italian ballerinas from our cast are not ready. “They had to go to holy bloody mass,” he says. We all get out and stretch our legs and are immediately beset with vendors. I am casting my eye on a tray of watches that gleam gold like the riches of Montezuma. They are in fact cheapo watches dipped in gold-plating. I knock the price down from ten million lire to ten thousand. OK, I buy the watch. Of course it doesn’t give the date, phases of the moon, high tide in Hawaii, it doesn’t light up in the dark, doesn’t give electronic peals every half hour, and it doesn’t ring like an alarm in the morning. All it does is tell the silly old time.
I paid the vendor and told him the time, I said hello to Mulgrew and told him the time, I called Bornheim over and told him the time and I wrote a letter to my mother telling her the time. Looking at the watch I realize it’s time to close this fifth volume of my War Time Trilogy. It was the year I had left the front line and found various Base Depot jobs. I had much to be thankful for and now I knew the time. In Volume Six I will tell the time and the story of my love affair with Maria Antoinette Pontani, the Italian ballerina who in a way changed my life and made me abandon my store of second-hand Army underwear. The time is 11.20 a.m.
Photo of Naples Bay — to prove it was there
Table of Contents
Preface
Foreword
AFRAGOLA
Afragola
February 14
News
February 30
92 General Hospital Naples
TORRE DEL GRECO
Torre Del Greco
March 1944
The New Broom Cweeps Slean
March 5
70th General Hospital Pompeii
March 10
Volcanoes, Their Uses in World War II
Diary: March 21
BAIANO
The Baiano Rehabilitation Camp
Orginisateum
Daily Life in the Camp
Romance One
April 13
April 21
Necrophiles
Sport
June. A Posting
The Officers’ Club, Portici
The Dancing Officers
Music Maestro Please
A Colonel Intervenes
Romance
Dances! Dances!
Filing for King and Country!
A Day Out in a Certain Direction
Ars Gratia Artist
Band Biz
The Aquarium Club
A Red Beard and a Beret
The Murals
Il Bagno
The Prodigal Returns
ROME
October 9
The Gig
The Days
Romance Two
Back to Base
Religious Interlude
December
O2E Christmas Arrangements
Christmas Eve
January 1945
Romance Three
The Printed Word in Maddaloni
Furlough
Anna Morto
April 17
May 1
Tuesday 8 May
2nd Day of V-E Festivities
Peace
The Great Neapolitan Band Contest
June 17
LIAP
The Torch of Love is Extinguished
August 9
Roma Encore
September 1
Diary: September 2
Diary: September 6
September 6
Little Bits of Useless Information
A Trifle
September 27
Hail the Chief
England Home and Beauty
October 5
Awake, My Pretty Ones
Landlords Ahoy!
Leave: Day 1
The Great Amnesia
Gunner Milligan Traces Beryl Southby Now Mrs Smith…
Dawn Over Reigate and 40 Meadow Way
Saucy Sandwich
Folkestone
RETURN TO ITALY
Return to Italy
Redivivus
Shock Horror Etc and Other Headlines!
A New Life and a New Dawn
’Over the Page’
ROME AGAIN
Rome Again
BOLOGNA
Bologna
Christmas in Italy
FLORENCE
Florence
RETURN TO NAPLES
Return to Naples
BARI
Bari
New Year’s Eve
Naples Again
January. CPA Barracks
A Bitter End
Romance ‘Neath Italian Skies
CAPRI
’Twas on the Isle of Capri
Nearly!
Nice Surprisey-Poo