Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead_. But Gutsy Girls Do - Kate White [69]
My favorite secret greed story involves Caroline Kennedy. Soon after I got to McCall's, we put together a special section on women who were making big strides in the nineties. On a long shot we called Caroline Kennedy, who had just coauthored a book on the Bill of Rights, and much to our surprise she agreed to a short interview on the subject. As the editor was leaving my office, I yelled out, “Would she be on the cover?” That, I knew, would be a major, major coup. Caroline Kennedy practically never gave interviews and she had never posed for the cover of a major women's magazine.
“No way,” she said.
“How do you know?” I asked.
“I just know.” she said. “It's clear from talking to her that she wants to keep a low profile.”
“So then why did she agree to the interview?”
“She wants to publicize her book.”
Ahhhhhh, there was the hot button. I told the editor to tell Kennedy that we would put the name of her book on the cover if she would pose for it. Two days later she agreed. We were the first woman's magazine ever to have an authorized picture of her on the cover (and it jumped off the newsstand).
Want to hear something amazing? The good girls who work for me usually do a lousy job of finding my secret greed. When they do ask for something, they often talk only in terms of their own needs. “I think I deserve this.” “I want this.” “I need this.”
This isn't just my observation. Nancy Hamlin, president of Hamlin Associates, which helps organizations deal with gender issues, says that over the years she's frequently seen women fail to put themselves in their boss's position when they're making a request. “They focus on their needs but not the needs of the other person,” she says. “Before you ask for something, you have to create a blackboard in your mind with your needs on one side and your boss's on the other. You must address each side—so both of you will feel satisfied.”
Why, if a good girl feels a compulsion to please, does she take a self-absorbed approach when asking? This used to baffle me, but I think I've finally come to understand the reason. Good girls feel uncomfortable acting as if the other person's needs are more important than their own when that really isn't the case. And they believe it's basically … well, evil to flatter, fawn, or tell a guy that it would be terrific to be on his team when he's really about as exciting as a Pendaflex folder.
If your conscience is preventing you from pushing some-one's hot button, keep this in mind: people generally find it delicious to be flattered and schmoozed, and they rarely hold it against you. Besides, if you end up meeting their needs or relieving their headaches, they will be very, very grateful.
Rule 2: Ask Fast
When you go in to make your request, quickly and clearly spell out what you want. In the height of my good-girl days I always fell a need to do a warm-up, to “prep” the listener with lots of background and explanation, as if doing so would protect me from a hasty no. But I've come to see that this kind of hemming and hawing only bores, irritates, or confuses the listener.
Before you go in to ask, crystallize everything you want into one clear statement of purpose. Then rehearse it. Stan with a hit to the secret greed and then make your point. (“Sandy, I know how disappointed you must be about Tom leaving. He did such a terrific job for you on the budget. I'd like you to consider me for the role of budget director because I believe I can be the kind of watchdog you need and also offer some innovative programs that would help you save even more money.”)
Rule 3: Sell Yourself Hard
This can be tough, even for gutsy girls. Adele Scheele says that over the years she's counseled people about their careers, she's seen that across the board women have a harder time than men selling themselves and talking up what they do. “Men talk about their jobs as if they own the company,” she says. “Women, on the other hand, will talk about their jobs as if they are several notches below where they actually are on the corporate