Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [0]
DOCTOR'S NOTE
SPECIAL THANKS
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER 1 - Why Everyone Hates Us
CHAPTER 2 - You're Kids Are NOT Cute
CHAPTER 3 - Please Drug Your Children
CHAPTER 4 - I Had Sex With Kathie Lee Gifford (And She Was Amazing)
CHAPTER 5 - Bullies R Us
CHAPTER 6 - Autism Shmautism
CHAPTER 7 - Famous Dead Kids
CHAPTER 8 - Nuts, Tits, Booze and My Mom
CHAPTER 9 - Ladies and Gentlemen, Please Welcome-In Utero
CHAPTER 10 - Self Esteem This
CHAPTER 11 - Matt Dillon is a Giant Fag
CHAPTER 12 - Your Cat Sucks Fish Heads in Hell
CHAPTER 13 - Grande Vente Mocha Oprah Chai
CHAPTER 14 - Does This Bomb Make My Ass Look Fat?
CHAPTER 15 - Testicle-Colored Towels
CHAPTER 16 - This is Your Brain on Semen
CHAPTER 17 - We'd Hate You Even if You Weren't Black
CHAPTER 18 - The Pope Is a Pimp
CHAPTER 19 - The Asshole Olympics
CHAPTER 20 - Someone Tell My Mom that Cell Phones Cause Cancer
"Just remember, kid-it's all bullshit."
- ROBERT MITCHUM, WHISPERING INTO NICK NOLTE'S EAR AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS
DOCTOR'S NOTE
I'd like to point out that all of the facts and allegations and medical science spoken about in this book have all been thoroughly researched. By me and my staff. Which means-just me. I didn't make footnotes and I'm not listing any evidence. That shit just takes way too long. You wanna find out if what I say is true IS actually true? Google it. That's what I did. The things I didn't bother to Google? They happened to me firsthand. Good luck and good reading.
Dr. Leary
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I'd like to thank everyone who ever told me to go fuck myself. It's why I fell in love with my wife, who bears more than a fleeting resemblance to me-except she's far prettier. And is a girl, obviously. And she's funnier than I am. And smarter. And somehow fell in love with me when I was broke and barely owned the sneakers on my working-class Irish feet. I owe everything in my life to Ann and my two terrific children-Devin and Jack. Let's face it-the only reason I wrote this book is because both of them wanna go to college. So thanks for helping to further their education by purchasing this fine piece of literature. Wow. I wrote a whole book. Well, it's SHAPED like a book. Anyways-enjoy.
SECRET HIDDEN MESSAGE PAGE
I have never been fat. But I have been-and oftentimes continue to be-loud, lazy and stupid. So put down the Pop-Tarts and listen up a little. I'm trying to help us here.
A SECOND NOTE FROM THE DOCTOR
Just in case you still do not understand (and given the condition of this country and the people we place into elected office, I think there are whole cities full of morons who couldn't beat a bag of hammers in a game of Scrabble out there) let me make it simple for you:
This is a comedy book.
Which means it's meant to be funny.
So when I say something in here I am offering up my opinion, my slightly exaggerated take on people, places and things and very often a twisted take on reality.
In other words: it is parody, satire and poking fun.
If you are mentioned within these pages and your first reaction is to call a lawyer?
Good night and good luck.
Because there are endless things you can buy in America-but a sense of humor isn't one of them.
We got pills and potions for your head, face, fears, tits, ass, anxieties, colon, kidneys, alcohol addiction, drug jones, heart, lungs, lips and attitude-but we don't have anything that can make you laugh at yourself.
Otherwise-before you read this book?
I'd prescribe a fist full of it.
Once again,
Dr. Denis
SPECIAL THANKS
I'd like to thank Lydia Wills for her support and finely tuned interest. I'd like to thank God-if only because I am so sick of hearing rappers with criminal records longer than their extended-length Hummer limousines do it at the Grammys. But I'd also like to thank Satan-who never gets enough credit for his wonderfully inspirational work with everyone from Judas Priest to The Rolling Stones and seemingly every other talk-radio honcho and Bush administration member. I think I speak for all comedians out there