Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [12]
And how many times could that work.
Maybe once.
Except in my family at Xmastime.
Then-maybe-somewhere between the second six-pack and the fourth dead uncle-we'd be bound to figure it out.
BILL CLINTON / BLOW JOBS
One of the big downsides of the Monica Lewinsky scandal as far as men were concerned was this-the highly acclaimed and heavily leaned upon "blow jobs don't count" rule that so many men had loved and lived by as a way of not really cheating on their wives/girlfriends was not only on full public display but became everyday fodder for discussion with almost every woman you knew-cousin, friend, spouse, sister, daughter, mother.
It's the one thing men will never forgive him for.
But had he not gotten caught-most men, including myself-along with a large bevy of women-would have agreed with the basic idea: balance the budget, orchestrate a healthy and robust economy, keep our country away from war? Free blow jobs.
Talk about an incentive. If every president knew-if he had it in writing-that a balanced budget meant a free blow job? Take my word for it-there would no longer be a federal deficit.
I'd even take it a step further. JFK slept with Marilyn Monroe and Angie Dickinson-the two hottest chicks on the face of Planet Hollywood during the early sixties.
Let's run with it, baby. Lower taxes? Tag Tyra Banks. Unemployment goes down? So does Sienna Miller. You win a war while in the Oval Office? You get to bang Halle Berry. And if Halle or Sienna or Tyra or whoever has a problem with the whole idea-hey, it's for the good of all mankind.
Let me tell you something. George Bush Junior looks like he hasn't gotten laid-never mind a blow job-since he quit drinking and snorting coke. If you guaranteed him that Sharon Stone would suck his testicles on Tuesday afternoon the war in Iraq would be over on Monday morning. He'd be sitting at his desk with his pants down watching a director's cut DVD of Basic Instinct Three-the widescreen edition.
The point I'm trying to make here is this: most of the world never understood the anger and unrest over the Monica Lewinsky deal because the idea that a world leader would receive oral satisfaction from a surrogate in a historically significant location made perfect sense to them. The conquering hero, the triumphant tribal chief blah blah blah. In France, Greece, Italy, Ireland, Turkey, Turkistan-everywhere else on this green globe-no one gives a crap who their leaders end up in bed with. All they care about is results-food, family, shelter. That's all anyone should care about.
We finally get a leader who not only solves most of our financial problems but is intelligent and compassionate and is not only interested in foreign policy but seems to have a pretty good sense of how to go about dealing with it and what do we do? Fry him up over a late-night snogfest.
Even terrorists like blow jobs.
And I'll go one step further: I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of right-wing, clean-living, religious fundamentalists trying to run this country. It seems to me that the less fun the president has the more trouble our country gets into.
JFK? Womanizing, cigar-smoking, beer-drinking, boat-loving guy who scared the shit out of the Russians and Castro and started the Peace Corps. Nixon? Staid, isolated, intellectual monogamist who hated half the people who were breathing and the limits of the Constitution. LBJ? Lunatic pussyhound with a penchant for bourbon who gave us welfare and signed the civil rights bill and when he screwed up in Vietnam decided to get the hell out of the way. Bush Jr? You get the idea.
I think every presidential candidate-man or woman-from here on in should have to prove that they not only drank but smoked weed and tried blow and had casual sex while in college and maybe even beyond. In other words-they were fairly normal, just like the rest