Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [15]
Okay. It's not just Angelina.
It's Angelina and Madonna and Rosie and Meg Ryan and whoever else in the female acting world fits the following requirements:
Fame
Cash
Raging hormones
A private jet
That's it. That's all you need. Those four simple items will allow you to fly into any Third World country and scoop up a black or brown or yellow baby, sign a couple of autographs and then head on home.
Where you can name the kid according to whatever whim strikes you. No need to adhere to the kid's actual ethnic or national background.
Chinese boy? Name him Johnny Boy.
African girl? Name her Ellen.
Totally up to you.
Now I have a cousin who adopted a Chinese kid years ago and named her Colleen. Which is well within her rights as the adoptive mom. But she wasn't famous or rich and didn't have a private plane so it took her THREE GODDAM YEARS to pull the whole thing off.
And why is it always white actresses flying in and scooping up?
Oprah flew into Africa in a private plane-with cash and fame and more than likely a SHITLOAD of raging hormones-and she started a school for African kids.
Why aren't black actresses flying into piss-poor white countries and nabbing parentless little pink children and jetting them back to the Hollywood Hills?
Grab a so-white-he's-almost-transparent white boy out of the Belfast slums of Northern Ireland, jet him off to a mansion in Bel Air and call him Jamal. Or Kaleel.
Never happen.
And you wanna know why?
'Cause caustic see-thru white kids with new names don't make for good press.
OR fashionable appearances.
I think a lot of these kids are like Gucci purses or Jimmy Choo shoes-not only are they cutting-edge accessories.
They're on sale.
THE WESTMINSTER KENNEL CLUB DOG SHOW
We've already discussed what most of our household pets are considered in other countries.
Throw in a full week's worth of dogs that have personal groomers and personal trainers and individual walkers and their own hotel rooms?
Death on a leash to a terrorist.
DR. LAURA AND MIKE AND MIKE IN THE MORNING
I like Dr. Laura.
I really do.
Besides the dirty pictures she took when she was young and foolish (and let's face the fact-weren't we all) in which she is actually very hot, she has grown up to piss people off. And by people I mean the morons with cell phone service who call up to complain about how their mom won't listen or their boyfriend doesn't wanna have sex anymore or their husbands want dinner on the table at such and such a time and her in a pink thong and high heels and they feel like they are not appreciated and blah blah blah and Dr. Laura comes thisclose to calling each one of them a whiny, self-obsessed, deaf and dumbass bitch. Over and over again. Which is what I wanna say when I listen to them. I love Mike and Mike in the Morning as well-when it's just the two of them OR the two of them and a sports expert discussing sports. Once they get into the cell phone calls from ingrate assholes on their way to work but unable to make it there without wondering how the Yankee pitching staff or the Islanders' goaltending or Eli Manning's left hamstring is gonna work out-I wanna grab a gun and take no hostages. This is a running, screaming, constant commentary on why we need to thin the herd on our own before the terrorists do it for us. Let's make it this easy-if you feel the urge to call Dr. Laura and ask whether you should stay in your current relationship even though your boyfriend has told you he doesn't love you and he's moving out and you weigh too much and he's banging your sister AND your best friend-and Dr. Laura tells you to get out now and you still don't wanna go? Save us all the trouble and swallow four bottles of aspirin. Better yet-make that sleeping pills. Maybe she'll even send you the prescription for them. If you really really actually for certain no bullshit now I'm serious here cannot drive to work without finding out what an ex-lineman and a nerdy little Jewish guy think about Brett Favre's ballsack? Drive off the highway and into a lake. Now. Otherwise we may have