Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [18]
Here are the actual facts: your kid is a gimongous germ factory. A walking talking coughing pants-pissing snot-snotting shit-directly-into-whatever-outfit-I-happen-to-be-sporting sniveling crying where's my mommy noise machine.
They have no sense of the real rules or how to behave or who not to puke on or what not to throw absentmindedly in any given direction that happens to strike their tiny unmanageable pealike brains.
When they want something they want it now. Right now.
And they have no idea what sharing is. Mine mine mine. Me me me. Mine, me, mine, me-me me me me me. What's mine is mine and what's not I will steal. Or break. Or hide.
They will defecate happily into their trousers and then walk around acting as if-literally-their shit don't stink.
As a matter of fact the only reason they shit in their pants is because THEY HAVE PANTS ON-otherwise they would shit directly onto whatever surface they happened to be standing over-the floor, the couch, the sidewalk-you name it.
The only thing separating children from wild jungle monkeys IS pants. Kids have them. Jungle monkeys don't.
To children-the world is their immediate and utter personal oyster. They do not know that all cookies are not THEIR cookies. That too many cookies can kill you. That cookies-or the elements involved in making them-cost money. That in order to gain cookie money you must have a marketable skill that results in your getting paid cash at the end of the week-thereby allowing you to not only purchase the cookies and/or the items needed to make them-but, in fact, giving you the power to eat all of the cookies bought/made yourself or decide to disseminate them amongst several other humans and animals who are either:
a. Nice to you
b. Listening to you
c. Painting your house/shoveling the snow around your housed.
d. Somehow related to you and too small to perform the duties required to get the cookie money but have had the rules explained to them and behaved well within the boundaries of those rules-one of which is finishing all of the normal food on their plate on this particular evening before being allowed to have a cookie.
Children are born without knowledge of cookies and playthings. When they first arrive the only sustenance they know of and seek is the milk they find at their mother's tits. But once they get a taste of the real fun stuff-BAM! Just like junkies-they become bottomless black holes waiting to take advantage and fill themselves up with sugar and chocolate, surround themselves with every single toy imaginable and make themselves king of the hill they happen to live on.
And why wouldn't they be selfish black holes?
They have lived inside a soft, warm, pouchy round sac in which they were fed endlessly and floated in a near constant sleep state for nine peacefully pain-free months.
Then someone unplugged the juice and yanked them out of dreamland right smack out into a cold hard world. Sometimes with a hard fast slap on the ass.
Why wouldn't they think of anyone but themselves?
It's like the old joke about men: you spend nine months waiting to come out of a vagina and the rest of your life trying to get back in.
So this whole theory about children being born as innocent and sinless vessels waiting to be ruined and overcome by the darkness and anger and hatred of an already evil world is a total crock. Kids are born as pure, untempered one-way evil beings. They get that umbilical cord cut and all holy hell breaks loose. First it's just the tits-which they almost never manage to relinquish. Then once they get a good look around while sucking on those nipples, they instantly become what they are born to be: round mounds of unending, unblinking and eager chaos who will use their newly discovered cuteness to curry favor and gain more access to people