Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [43]
The girls are usually the type lacking the self-esteem needed to keep them from peeling off in front of strangers, but somehow holding on to just enough pride not to fall into the fucking-guys-for-money trap. PLUS they've all been sexually molested at some point. As have most prostitutes. Usually by drunken male family members. Still interested, guys?
My advice to men who are thinking of going into a strip club would be this: don't. On second thought, go to the club. Just don't go in. Stand outside, remove all the cash in your wallet and light it on fire. Watch it burn until it's just a smoking pile of ashes. Then bang your head against the wall of the club several times-hard. Get in your car. Drive home. When you wake up the next morning, you will have achieved the same effect as if you had spent the night inside the club: no money, giant headache. What did you miss? Nothing. Smelly armpits, seven useless hard-ons and eighty-five horrible tattoos.
That's another lesson kids today should learn-tattoos may have been cool five decades ago when the only people who had them were sailors, inmates and lead guitar players. Now? Not so much. You wanna be a rebel nowadays? DON'T get a tattoo. Or a nose ring. Or a pierced anything. Everyone will wonder: what the fuck is up with that guy? He actually has nothing painted on or attached to his body except his limbs and his real skin. What a freak. Plus-for girls? You know what that insane snaky flower or some bullshit Chinese symbol or a set of angel wings above your ass or your pussy makes you look like? A stripper. Ask a drunk uncle to grab your tit and you'll be ready to roll.
Hey-The Drunk Uncles. Good name for a band.
Strip clubs-as a matter of fact-are basically live laboratories for low self-esteem. The dancers, the customers, the bartenders-everyone in there would rather be somewhere else. The dancers would rather be living normal healthy lives, the guys would rather be in a cheap hotel room with the dancers and the bartenders and bouncer would rather be actors or professional athletes. In expensive hotel rooms with the dancers.
Will performing in a strip club or selling drugs damage your child's self-esteem? You bet your ass it will. But low self-esteem is a disease every single kid in this country could use a little bit more of.
When I was a kid one day in grammar school one of the nuns was teaching us about what it took to become the president of the United States. After all the typical bullshit about hard work and dedication and blah blubbedy blah-she took a left turn into the Constitution and spiced it up with a little extra info-that as long as you were born in these United States and had all the other qualifications in place-ANYONE could become the commander in chief once elected. Hey-that was news to me. Up to that point the only things I had spent time dreaming of becoming were a Boston Bruin, a Boston Red Sock or the newest/youngest member of the Rolling Stones.
I walked home from school that day doing the political math in my head: I was born in America / I could-ostensibly-start working hard in school / John F. Kennedy had been the president and HE was Irish and Catholic. Not to mention the fact that he was FROM where I lived-Massachusetts. Not only that-when he was president he had one time driven through our neighborhood on his way to deliver a speech at Holy Cross-a college not more than twelve blocks from where our apartment was.
Needless to say, I arrived home with flashes of my future success illuminating my brain: people waving at me as I drove through their neighborhoods in MY motorcade; my mom yelling at the White House staff about leaving all their supposedly important papers lying around everywhere; me passing laws that would make huge differences in our society, for instance-declaring free candy and no more school for kids everywhere.
When