Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [67]
Because your dog knows your cat is evil.
Your dog knows that any cat alive is only out for its own interests.
Your dog knows that cats would slink right up to the Devil should he somehow adorn your door, slithering along Satan's leg-unable or unwilling to differ between Beelzebub himself and you.
Which brings us to Michael Vick.
In the dog world, Michael Vick IS the devil.
An All World Star Quarterback famous for his unbelievable speed and agility and highly rewarded for turning the Atlanta Falcons into an exciting NFL team, Vick's jerseys and commercials and assorted other endorsement deals made him a multizillionaire almost overnight.
What was Michael's response to all the money and the spotlight? 1
Paying the up-front money, the house bank for the bettors and providing the backyard arena for a dogfighting ring that resulted in countless dog deaths and abuse.
Dogs fought to the death and the ones who didn't die but may have been seriously maimed were shot in the head or hung from tree branches or choked until breathless as female dogs were chained to raping posts where the male dogs could have their way.
Do not YouTube the videos.
Vick was arrested and charged and did the expected American stepdance of criminal guilt:
STEP ONE: Deny deny deny.
STEP TWO: Blame it on friends and family.
STEP THREE: Blame the media for blowing things out of proportion.
STEP FOUR: As investigation heats up, blame a "friend gone bad" and a "second cousin."
STEP FIVE: As media glare gets worse-break out "can't a rich black man get some justice?" speech.
STEP SIX: When confronted with irrefutable evidence and testimony provided by said bad friend and second cousin, blame your actions on booze and pot.
STEP SEVEN: Go to rehab.
STEP EIGHT: When rehab stint doesn't faze judge or make looming prison sentence disappear-find Jesus.
STEP NINE: Go to church a lot. Toting a Bible. Even on Tuesdays. Jesus this, Jesus that.
STEP TEN: Convicted and sentenced-and in desperate need to hopefully still be allowed to play football and make millions when you get out of the joint-hold a press conference in which you mention Jesus, apologize to your fans, talk about God, make amends to your family, mention Jesus again and apologize to the owner of the Atlanta Falcons.
That's what he did.
Apologize to everyone he thought was involved in his dirty, filthy, inhumane activities.
Except dogs.
He never mentioned the dogs.
Not once, anywhere along the line.
Jesus, yes. Dogs-nope.
Not even a dog named Jesus.
And there were many members of the media-mostly black-who tried to give Michael Vick an out by saying that people didn't understand the culture Michael had grown up in, where dogfighting is considered a normal sport.
Oh really.
Well, then-here's the culture I come from:
Instead of going to prison for a solid eighteen months-where he is hopefully having footballs forced up his ass by heavily tattooed ex-Wu Tang Clan members (very very DRY footballs, by the way)-I offer an alternative.
Vick-or any other convicted dogfighting czar-doesn't have to do hard time in the big house. He just agrees to perform in a little charity event that I like to call "Strap A Meat Suit On Michael," which consists of this:
1. Sell out Giants Stadium-all proceeds going to buy Snausages, raw-hide bones and multicolored squeaky toys.
2. Broadcast it live on international TV.
3. Strap an entire suit made of meat onto Michael Vick OR just have him wear some jogging shorts and a T-shirt and we will attach a sixty-pound pack of assorted juicy beef to him, with a fine filet mignon arranged right around his groin (think of it as an athletic supporter made of steak).
4. Have him run from one end zone