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By Root 957 0

ridiculous it was for the American people to elect and then RE-elect a guy they thought they could "have a beer with," when in fact that same guy was a recovering white-knuckle alcoholic and would have to have not "a" beer, but six or ten or twenty-three before calling his old coke dealer and getting the Secret Service to pick him up an eight ball, two quarts of Jack Daniel's and a bag of small, nonchokeable pretzels.

It wasn't God who was talking to Him-it was Cheney hiding behind and using a really deep voice.

You saw what happened when Tom Cruise went on the show-picture George Bush hopping around on the guest couch like a circus pet on crystal meth and you'll see where we are going: you work in the White House, you answer to Oprah. Four times a year. I guarantee we'd all be better off.

Men in particular.

We'd know not to lie, cheat and steal.

Because-just like answering to your mom-Oprah and her army would be there waiting for an explanation.

Talk about the ultimate system of checks and balances.

We'd learn to do the things Oprah and the girls put on our "Things To Do This Week" list.

We'd learn to let the woman talk.

We'd learn to listen and stay in the other room and watch TV-let the girls do the shopping and make all the key decisions-from The Best Value In Ball-Peen Hammers to What Color Hammock.

We'd keep our mouths shut and do all the grunt work and expect no credit but get paid back with pizza.

Which might just be a code word for oral sex.

Just ask Steadman.

You punch his name into the Oprah engine and it comes up empty.

Areola 1; Steadman 0.

Doesn't that say it all?

CHAPTER 14 - Does This Bomb Make My Ass Look Fat?

That's what the female terrorist said to her husband minutes before they left home-probably late-to launch a double suicide attack.

Every husband or boyfriend has heard some version of that question-just switch out the word "bomb" and replace it with dress.

Or skirt.

Or blouse.

Or shirt, hat, car, house, sofa, pen, bed, city, country, hemisphere-you get the point.

Every man who lives with a woman has had to sit in that hot seat-in the bedroom, in the hallway, in a hotel suite, almost anywhere-and offer up glowing accounts of an endless stream of outfits that-each after each-apparently "make" her ass look fat. It's never her actual ass that is too big, it's the way the ass looks in some Nightmare Pair Of Designer Jeans or a One Of A Kind Evening Gown or These Goddam Stupid Imported Capri Pants or even Those Old Jeans From Four Years Ago when the ass WAS tiny and looked so incredibly edible you felt like slapping it and throwing her onto the bed right then and there.

Joseph did it with Mary.

Hitler did it with Eva Braun.

Randy Gerber is doing it with Cindy Crawford as you read this sentence.

Trying to divine the best way to-evenly and with a strong, calm voice-discuss her derriere.

Yet-no matter what man you may be-you cannot utter even a sliver, of one tiny teeny slice, shaved off just a corner-of one kernel-of the truth.

It looks fine, honey.

It looks great, sweetheart.

Babe-I love the way your butt looks in that.

Those three alone'll get you into enough trouble.

And even when The Ass Under Consideration does, in fact, measure up to the finest of all Ass Ethics and is, indeed, still sexy and juicy and oh so delectable-she will not hear anything positive that flows out of your mouth no matter how it is offered up. She needs to primp and pose and gape and prowl and turn and frown and gaze over one shoulder and then do the same over the other shoulder and then flip her hair back and start the whole goddam process right from Outfit Number One again.

And you have no choice but to sit and wait and watch and wait and bite your hungry lip.

I'm convinced the burka was not invented by some crazed Arab hell-bent on following religious conventions-it was just a hungry husband who wanted to make his dinner reservation on time. If she's forced to wear only one thing-how hard could it be? (I know I know-even as we speak, Muslim wives around the globe are trying on brown burka