• Choose a category
• All
• Classic-Fiction

I don't trust the tests that say women don't talk more than men because I know for a fact these tests are being paid for and urged on if not administered by women who are desperate to find a way to prove one more cliche about them to somehow not be true.

Do I have medical research to back up my claim?

You bet your ovaries I do-fifty years of life on this gabbing glob of rock and gas, all of them surrounded by sisters and Irish aunts and female cousins PLUS twenty-five of those years living in the same domicile with my wife.

She talks on the phone to her sister while she's making dinner and I sit there starving and steaming.

She talks on the phone with her mom while she's making dinner while I still sit there starving and steaming.

She steams vegetables while talking on the phone ABOUT her mother WITH her sister while I try to decide whose temperature is getting higher-mine or the broccoli's.

She talks to her BFF on the phone WHILE she's e-mailing her OTHER best BFF about a THIRD former BFF who's just now calling on the other line.

We don't.

We don't talk when we're hungry-except to say "I'm hungry-let's eat."

We don't talk on the phone when we're hungry unless we are ordering food to be delivered from the place where they make the food right to where we are sitting waiting for some food-still one of the greatest breakthroughs in the history of eating as far as men are concerned.

Once we have the food-no talking-just chewing.

We don't even talk while we're working.

Ever watch a bunch of guys shovel snow? If there's five of them-they say hello and shoot the shit quickly about the game on TV last night or this hot new chick one of them is dating and/or holy fuck did it snow like a motherfucker then they start pointing and dividing up sections of the area that need to be shoveled and then?

They shovel.

For three straight hours.

And the only talking they do is to redirect each other to parts of the area that need to be shoveled again or piles of snow that need to be moved.

That's it.

When they are done they talk briefly about the best shovels in the history of shovels and how to invent an even better shovel and then they get in their trucks and drive away.

All you hear when you walk by a construction site is the sound of machines bamming and whamming and shouts of "Get the fuck out of the way, Tommy!" and "Toss me that hammer, Sal!"

If women did all the shoveling or women were put in charge of actually physically building our buildings we would be left with mounds and mounds of snow-covered streets and sidewalks and a cityscape chock full of lumber, cement bags and steel but a skyline somehow free of sky-scrapers. Plenty of recipes would be exchanged and reputations damaged, though.

My studies show that women-on average-use 15,678 words a day.

Men-according to my tests-use about 3,700.

And 2,000 of those are "Uh-huh, honey," "What did she say then?" and

"Mm-hmm."

"Yup" and "whatever you say, sweetheart" were also very popular.

Don't bother digging out all the new studies that say men and women speak exactly the same number of words. I've read them all and they are-in one of my daily allotment of roughly 4,000-crap.

As is the BFF idea. And The Frenemy-the female friend who is actually an enemy but still-somehow, incredibly-kept close at hand by your wife or chick.

How many countless times have you heard your girl come home and say "You're not gonna believe what that bitch Suzie said to me today while we were having a nice, chatty lunch at such and such a place" or hang up the phone after a seventy-eight-minute conversation with her "friend" Emily and say "God how I hate her"?

Here's what a guy says to another guy who he KNOWS just insulted him or just even LOOKED at him the wrong way:

What the fuck is your problem, dickwad?

And then the relationship is over.

You know that friend of your wife's who just talks endlessly and not only never shuts up but seems to think every single one of the other women is fascinated by what she has to