Wild Ginger - Anchee Min [43]
I left Wild Ginger's house at three o'clock. Walking through the lanes I took a deep breath of fresh air. The night seemed, for the first time, beautiful.
I went home and embraced my pillow. My mind lingered on the strange thought that I was no longer a virgin while Wild Ginger was. I felt bound by guilt yet liberated at the same time. All my frustration had vanished. I wondered what Wild Ginger would do if she could experience this same feeling. Suddenly the idea of devoting one's entire life to Mao was not only dull but ridiculous.
I had a dream in which Wild Ginger visited me. "I was collecting candy wrappers in the streets," she told me. "I came home with my handbag filled with dirty wrappers. I soaked them and washed them carefully with soapy water. I pasted them one by one onto the tiles in the bathroom. The whole wall was covered. The beauty was extraordinary. I sat and looked at it for hours on end. The flowers, leaves, animals, and rocks. A wall of spring. When the wrappers dried, I peeled them off and inserted them between the pages of my books. They saved me from the boredom of the Mao studies."
***
I wasn't eager to go to school, because I was afraid of seeing Wild Ginger. The whole morning I lay in bed and pretended to be sick. Then Wild Ginger came. It was afternoon. She seemed to be in good spirits and was in her regular army uniform. She brought my mother a string of garlic and strode directly to my bed.
I sat up, like a criminal being confronted by a policeman.
"Are you all right?" She looked concerned and reached out her hand to feel my forehead. "No fever. What's wrong?"
I realized that she didn't know what had happened last night. I pushed her hand away. "I am just a little tired."
"Is it because I made you stay in the closet for too long?"
"Of course not." I hopped out of the bed. "That wasn't a problem. Not at all."
"I am sorry I fell asleep last night. Evergreen left. He just left and hasn't come back. I am sure he's upset. But he doesn't have to worry about it, I'll make it up to him. He loves to be with me. I could be reading anything and he wouldn't care." She smiled.
I found myself suddenly annoyed by her smile. I remained silent and began to put on my shoes.
"What did you do after he left?"
"Me?" I kicked off my shoes and then put them back on again. "What do you mean? Would you ... like to have a cup of water?"
"No thanks. I suppose you didn't take off with him, did you?"
"No, of course not. You told me that you didn't want him to know that I was there, didn't you?"
"No."
"Is it cold outside?" I tried to hide my nervousness.
"What did you do, then?" She raised her chin and looked into my eyes.
"I..."
She began to laugh. "It's all right to tell the truth."
"Truth? What truth?"
"I mean, it's all right to say that you fell asleep too and that you did nothing else."
"I did fall asleep. Of course."
What had happened seemed unreal to me. It had been a week and the three of us had lost contact. It was as if we were waiting for something. I wasn't clear about my feelings. I couldn't stop replaying what had taken place in the closet. I began to feel that I could never be the same way with Wild Ginger. I wouldn't admit that I had betrayed her. Yet I couldn't say that I didn't betray her. I had enjoyed Evergreen shamelessly. I felt lucky for what had happened. Evergreen and I had offered each other something we craved—human affection. I was too desperate and too selfish to reject him. I had always envied Evergreen and Wild Ginger. I had always wanted to be in Wild Ginger's place. It was long before Evergreen came to me. I encouraged him by not reporting to Wild Ginger the moment he and I discovered each other. My excuse was that she never wanted Evergreen physically. If they had been lovers, I would never have allowed myself to interfere.
On the tenth day, I received a letter from Evergreen.