Without a Word_ How a Boy's Unspoken Love Changed Everything - Jill Kelly [18]
More fire was added to the negativity I already felt toward Jim, and without even realizing it, I grew to despise him.
Our relationship had already taken such a hit before Hunter was even born, and our communication skills were lacking from the beginning, so you can imagine how they deteriorated as time went on. We didn’t have much to talk about, ever. Jim’s life was drastically different from mine. I was focused on what medicine or treatment Hunter needed, while things that just didn’t seem to matter constantly distracted Jim.
We were heading in opposite directions, drifting farther and farther from any semblance of a relationship. Eventually, I didn’t care how often Jim was gone or when he was coming home. In fact, I ran such a tight ship that he just messed everything up when he was home anyway. He was out of sight, out of mind as far as I was concerned, and his absence only made my heart grow harder rather than fonder.
To complicate matters even more, we didn’t share the same bed because Hunter’s medical needs necessitated that someone sleep with him. For the most part, that responsibility became mine, but I occasionally took turns with my mother (and we had a night nurse for a little while, too). But even on those nights when I wasn’t taking care of Hunter, I slept alone, away from Jim. The farther away I got from him, literally and figuratively, the more isolated I felt. Help surrounded me—parents, friends, nurses, therapists—and yet the only help I desperately wanted and needed was Jim’s. Even when Jim gave his best efforts, though, they just never seemed good enough.
I didn’t like the way I was treating Jim, and yet I was just so angry that I didn’t know how to act or feel. There was so much confusion and pain in my mind and heart. I wanted Jim to take care of me. I needed him to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay, even though we both knew it wouldn’t be. There’s no shame in saying, I needed my man! We had made this beautiful child together, and the longing to share in this journey with my son’s father was excruciatingly intense.
Jim did spend time with Hunter, but I wanted him to walk in my shoes for just one hour and really take care of Hunter—to know him as intimately as I did and spend the kind of quality time with him that caring for his physical needs demanded. Of course, I knew that when Jim was with Hunter, he loved it. And HB loved every minute with his dad—especially when they got to watch football together. It was just that I was so wrapped up in my own pain, I couldn’t see that Jim had deep pain of his own. Eventually I think he got to the point where he didn’t even want to try anymore; it was just too hard to please me. I was looking for him to fill a void in my life and Hunter’s that he simply could not fill. And while my expectations of Jim felt reasonable to me at the time, I now realize how unrealistic they really were.
Not only was Jim incapable of filling the abyss my heart was quickly becoming, I would eventually learn that he was never meant to fill it in the first place.
He and I would need to search beyond each other to find the hope we desperately craved. We would need to find a love that would fill our unmet expectations and conquer our fears. And when we did, it would end up saving our marriage and our love.
As a young girl, I sat in a creaky old pew every Sunday in the back of St. Vincent’s Church on East Avenue. Tucked into the little prison town of Attica, New York, it was a beautiful, modest white church right down the street from my Catholic elementary