Without a Word_ How a Boy's Unspoken Love Changed Everything - Jill Kelly [29]
On October 21, 1998, I took two pregnancy tests (just to be sure!) and wrote the following in my journal that day:
I’m pregnant! I can hardly believe it. I’m excited and yet sort of scared. Erin and Hunter need a brother or sister. This is going to be wonderful—I just know it. I’ll have to start taking better care of myself. So many thoughts are flooding my mind right now. If it’s a boy—I like Noah James Kelly. I love how that sounds. When I asked Erin Marie what she would name the baby if it were a girl, she said “Casey.” I don’t think so.
Wait till Jim finds out. He really wants us to be pregnant again. He’ll be so excited. I told my mom, and of course we both cried. God has blessed us with another baby. I hope the baby will be okay. Whatever happens, happens—He will be with me every step of the way.
I just looked over at a pillow in Hunter’s room that has “Trust in the Lord with all your heart” embroidered on it. I will! This is going to be great! I just know it is!
When I was about four months pregnant, Dr. Duffner suggested we have the baby tested through amniocentesis. Because we’d already had a child with Krabbe, we were able to find out before the birth of any subsequent children whether or not they have the disease. With every child Jim and I have there is a 25 percent chance that he or she will be born with Krabbe disease and a 50 percent chance that the baby will be a carrier.
Unfortunately, we lived in the spotlight. So when it became public knowledge that I was pregnant with our third child, incredibly, we received some nasty letters. We were stunned by the cruelty of some of the comments. People found it necessary to tell us that they thought our having another child was a disgrace and that we should be ashamed of ourselves for taking the risk.
What were we supposed to do? Get an abortion? Stop having children? We felt it was incredibly arrogant and sad that people who have never walked in our shoes found it so easy to pass judgment. And as much as we might have wanted to respond to the irresponsible comments, it wouldn’t have made any difference. People are people. Besides, how could they have possibly understood the inconceivable joy Hunter’s life brought to our family? How could those who only read or saw the portion of our lives framed by the media actually know the bigger, almost indescribable, reality?
As crazy as it may sound, I didn’t stress out over the outcome of the baby’s test results. I had an unexplainable peace throughout my entire pregnancy.
Our family was in South Florida when we got the word. I’ll never forget that day. Just thinking about it makes me cry.
It was a gorgeous, sunny afternoon with a gentle breeze drifting in off the Gulf of Mexico. While Jim and my dad prepared the grill for dinner, the rest of us were hanging out at the beach. Hunter loved the ocean. And even though we had to keep him out of the sun as much as possible, he still enjoyed the sand and the waves.
Erin was busy building a sandcastle and Hunter was relaxing on a lounge chair under the cabana with Grammie when my grandfather shouted down to us from the wooden walkway, “Jill, your doctor’s on the phone.” I jumped up from my chair and ran to meet him. Waving the portable phone as he handed it to me, he said, “Jill, it’s Hunter’s doctor, Dr. Duffner. It’s something about the baby.”
As soon as he said “baby,” I felt faint. A profound peace about everything had enveloped me until the moment Grandpa Jack handed me the phone. With one hand on my belly and the other holding the phone, I stood there as a rush of anguish swept through my entire body and fear slammed into my heart. What if the baby has Krabbe disease? I put the phone up to my ear and heard myself weakly stammer,