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And she did.

They all did.

And it was silent.

No one said a word. The room was quiet.

The realization of what had just happened shattered me in unimaginable and indescribable ways.

As I sat in the silence, with my head lying next to Hunter’s body, Jim burst through the door. He rushed to Hunter’s side and began to talk to him. “Hunter, Daddy is here now, little buddy. I’m here.” Jim’s eyes filled with tears as he took one deep breath and then another. I couldn’t bear to watch Jim touch our son’s lifeless body, so I left the room.

I don’t remember what happened after I left Jim alone with Hunter, but I do recall that I felt completely alone and hopeless. Hunter was gone. How I made it out of the emergency room that morning, I’ll never know.

As Jim and I drove home together, I became acutely aware that life all around me continued to go on. How is that possible? I thought. My son is dead. Life will never be the same without Hunter.

My mother sat in the backseat in silence. I had asked her to ride with us so that she could be there when we told the girls about their brother. When we were almost home, my mother broke the silence and said with tears, “Oh my goodness, today is Robert’s birthday.”

I turned around and just looked at her. I was speechless.

I can’t believe Hunter went to heaven on his best friend’s birthday.

I can’t believe this is happening.

I was in shock.

I couldn’t think.

I couldn’t talk.

I wanted to scream.

I wanted to disappear.

Sorrow.

Grief.

August 6, 2005—My heart is shattered. How can I live without you, buddy? I long to be near you. Oh Lord, the pain is more than I can bear. Please take me, too.

Chapter 14

Memories Everywhere

August 9, 2005—I don’t know if there are any tears left to cry. It was beautiful today. Not a cloud in the sky. A perfect day to bury my son.

I hate this. I want to run, but there’s nowhere to hide. HELP!

It must have been horrible for Robert to walk in front of the casket that carried the lifeless body of his best friend. He’s too young for all this heartbreak and pain. I wanted to hug him and never let go. I’m going to miss Robert.

I don’t remember much of what Pastor Greg said at Hunter’s Celebration of Eternal Life service, but I do remember our nanny, Jill Kivett, singing “His Eye Is on the Sparrow.” That had to be so hard. She used to sing that to Hunter all the time. I’m so thankful she could be here today.

It was hard to concentrate and take it all in when Camryn kept sobbing in my arms. She just kept crying and crying and there was nothing I could do to help her. So I just held her. I need You to hold me, Father. I can’t believe he’s gone. What am I going to do? Help me to remember everything about him. Help me to remember everything You taught us.

Hunter was an amazing little boy. I’m drowning in tears. But I know that You are close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in spirit….

I was in shock. In a whirlwind of just a few days, I had said good-bye to my son. On a beautiful sunny summer day I sat in the front pew at our church—completely numb during his Celebration of Eternal Life service—placed a white rose and small marble cross on my son’s casket… and then everything was over.

It was all over.

Everyone went home. Food started to spoil in our refrigerator. The girls wanted to go to the movies. And Jim went out of town for an appearance. But my heart was shattered and lifeless.

Memories of Hunter’s life were everywhere. His medications were in the refrigerator and all over the kitchen counter to the right of the sink. His suction machines, towels, dirty sheets, and pillowcases were still in the laundry room. His books, his toys, his movies and artwork were scattered around the playroom…. He was everywhere. He had gotten a hundred on his last book report and math test, and both were still proudly displayed on our kitchen cupboard. His clothes were in my closet and neatly folded in my drawers because we shared a room.

My bedroom had become Hunter’s bedroom. Because of the advanced care he needed