Wizard's First Rule - Terry Goodkind [253]
“But… I could…”He could think of no defense for his heart.
“I could not. For me, it would be the same as you wanting to be with your mother, and instead having Shota, appearing to be your mother. But she wasn’t. It would just be an illusion of love. Do you understand?” she cried. “Would that bring you any true joy?”
Richard felt the hopes of his world collapsing in the flames of his understanding. His heart sank into the ashes.
“The spirit house,” he asked in a dry voice, “is that what Shota was talking about? Is that when you came within a breath of using your power on me?” His tone was a little colder than he wished it to be.
“Yes.” Her voice broke with emotion as she tried to keep from crying. “I’m sorry, Richard.” She knitted her fingers together. “I have never before cared for anyone the way I care for you. I wanted to be with you so badly. I almost forgot who I was. I almost didn’t care.” Tears started running down her cheeks. “Do you see now how dangerous my power is? Do you see how easily I could destroy you? If you hadn’t stopped me when you did… you would have been lost.”
He felt an agony of compassion for her, for what she was, and for the fact that she couldn’t do anything about it, and he felt the ache of his own pain at the feeling of loss, even though he realized now that there was nothing to lose, she could never have been his, or more precisely, he hers; it all had just been a fantasy in his mind.
Zedd had tried to warn him, tried to save him this pain. Why couldn’t he have listened? Why did he have to be so stupid and think he would be smart enough to figure something out? He knew why. He stood slowly and took a step to the fire so she wouldn’t see his tears. He kept swallowing so he could try to talk.
“Why do you always say ‘she,’ ‘her,’ ‘daughter’? Why always women? What of the men, don’t Confessors bear male children?” He realized his voice sounded as if it were scraping over gravel.
He listened to the fire crackling for a long time as she didn’t answer. He turned back to her when he heard her crying. She looked up and held her hand out for him to help her up. Once up, she leaned against the log, pulled her long hair back from her face, and then folded her arms below her breasts.
“Yes, Confessors bear male children. Not as often as in the past, but they still do.” She cleared her throat. “But the power is stronger in them; they need no time to recover. Sometimes, the power becomes everything to them, corrupts them. This is the mistake the wizards made.
“They chose women for this very reason, but didn’t give sufficient thought to how the power would take on a life of its own. They didn’t foresee how the power would be passed on to the offspring, and be so different in men.
“Long ago, a few male Confessors joined forces, and brought about a terrible reign of cruelty. It was called the dark time. They were the cause of it. It was a time something like now, with Darken Rahl. At last, the wizards hunted them all down and killed them. Many of the wizards died too. From that time, the wizards withdrew from trying to rule the lands. Too many of them had been killed anyway. Instead, now they only try to serve the people, to help where they can. But they no longer interfere with rulers if they can help it. They have learned bitter lessons.”
Kahlan looked down, away from his eyes as she went on. “For some reason, it takes the unique compassion of a woman to handle the power, to be free from its corrupting influence. The wizards don’t know the reason for this. It is similar with the Seeker: he must be the right one, one found by a wizard, or he will use the power for corrupt reasons. That is why Zedd was so angry at the council of the Midlands for taking the naming away from him. Male Confessors, not all, but most, cannot retain their sense of balance with the power. They don’t have the strength to hold it back when they should.” She peered up at him.
“When they wanted a woman, they simply used the power and took her. Many women. They had