Wolves of the Calla - Stephen King [184]
“And until last night it was even worse than three in and one out,” Jake said. “Because you were trying to keep me out, as well. Weren’t you?”
“No,” Roland said.
“No?”
“I simply let things be as they were. I told Eddie because I was afraid that, once they were sharing a room together, he’d discover her wanderings and try to wake her up. I was afraid of what might happen to both of them if he did.”
“Why not just tell her?”
Roland sighed. “Listen to me, Jake. Cort saw to our physical training when we were boys. Vannay saw to our mental training. Both of them tried to teach us what they knew of ethics. But in Gilead, our fathers were responsible for teaching us about ka. And because each child’s father was different, each of us emerged from our childhood with a slightly different idea of what ka is and what it does. Do you understand?”
I understand that you’re avoiding a very simple question, Jake thought, but nodded.
“My father told me a good deal on the subject, and most of it has left my mind, but one thing remains very clear. He said that when you are unsure, you must let ka alone to work itself out.”
“So it’s ka.” Jake sounded disappointed. “Roland, that isn’t very helpful.”
Roland heard worry in the boy’s voice, but it was the disappointment that stung him. He turned in the saddle, opened his mouth, realized that some hollow justification was about to come spilling out, and closed it again. Instead of justifying, he told the truth.
“I don’t know what to do. Would you like to tell me?”
The boy’s face flushed an alarming shade of red, and Roland realized Jake thought he was being sarcastic, for the gods’ sake. That he was angry. Such lack of understanding was frightening. He’s right, the gunslinger thought. We are broken. Gods help us.
“Be not so,” Roland said. “Hear me, I beg—listen well. In Calla Bryn Sturgis, the Wolves are coming. In New York, Balazar and his ‘gentlemen’ are coming. Both are bound to arrive soon. Will Susannah’s baby wait until these matters have been resolved, one way or the other? I don’t know.”
“She doesn’t even look pregnant,” Jake said faintly. Some of the red had gone out of his cheeks, but he still kept his head down.
“No,” Roland said, “she doesn’t. Her breasts are a trifle fuller—perhaps her hips, as well—but those are the only signs. And so I have some reason to hope. I must hope, and so must you. For, on top of the Wolves and the business of the rose in your world, there’s the question of Black Thirteen and how to deal with it. I think I know—I hope I know—but I must speak to Henchick again. And we must hear the rest of Pere Callahan’s story. Have you thought of saying something to Susannah on your own?”
“I…” Jake bit his lip and fell silent.
“I see you have. Put the thought out of your mind. If anything other than death could break our fellowship for good, to tell without my sanction would do it, Jake. I am your dinh.”
“I know it!” Jake nearly shouted. “Don’t you think I know it?”
“And do you think I like it?” Roland asked, almost as heatedly. “Do you not see how much easier all this was before…” He trailed off, appalled by what he had nearly said.
“Before we came,” Jake said. His voice was flat. “Well guess what? We didn’t ask to come, none of us.” And I didn’t ask you to drop me into the dark, either. To kill me.
“Jake…” The gunslinger sighed, raised his hands, dropped them back to his thighs. Up ahead was the turning which would take them to the Jaffords smallhold, where Eddie and Susannah would be waiting for them. “All I can do is say again what I’ve said already: when one isn’t sure about ka, it’s best to let ka work itself out. If one meddles, one almost always does the wrong thing.”
“That sounds like what folks in the Kingdom of New York call a copout, Roland. An answer that isn’t an answer, just a way to get people to go along with what you want.”
Roland considered. His lips firmed. “You asked me to command your heart.”
Jake nodded warily.
“Then here are the two things I say to you dan-dinh. First, I say that the three of us—you, me, Eddie—will speak