Yesterday, I Cried_ Celebrating the Lessons of Living and Loving - Iyanla Vanzant [13]
Iyanla had a completely different set of needs.
Rhonda’s needs and patterns were on a collision course with Iyanla’s sensibilities. Somebody had to take a stand. Eventually, there was a train wreck in my mind.
Often, when you are on the spiritual path, there is a war that goes on between the person you once were and the person you are becoming. Some call it “thought patterns.” Others call it “habit.” My experience was that there were two distinct personalities needing to be integrated. I discovered that the older you are, the more difficult it is to accomplish a smooth integration. The old you, the one who helped you survive, the one that was there for you in the rough times, is going to fight to stay alive. The old you knows your secrets and your history. The old you knows your defense mechanisms, what you will do when your buttons get pushed, and exactly where your weaknesses lie. The old you knows what works for you and is terrified by the thought of trying something new. The old you is comfortable with the way things were and are. The old you wants to stay in control. The old you has home-court advantage.
The new you, the spiritually conscious, spiritually grounded you, is fumbling around trying to figure out what works now. It is the part of you that has yet to be proven. You may believe strongly, you may want deeply to change, and for your newfound identity to emerge. But the new you is not quite sure it will work. It is there, in that glimmer of doubt, that the old you goes to work. It nags at you. It challenges you. It is called self-doubt and lame excuses. It looks like not having time to pray, to meditate, and not being able to figure out how praying and meditating are going to put food on the table. The new you views problems as challenges, knowing that with every problem comes the solution, the escape, the way out. The new you is willing to confront challenges and wants to do so in a spiritually grounded way. When, however, the new you is backed up to a wall, it will, out of habit, borrow from the old you. The instant the borrowing occurs, the new you is rendered dead—even if it is only for a moment. The challenge is that when the new you is brought back into focus, there is probably a pile of old-you crap that needs to be cleaned up.
Iyanla was determined to be born. I learned the hard way that you must be disciplined, vigilant, and obedient about the practices that will build your spiritual muscles and put the old you to rest. The truth is that you really are sleeping with the enemy, and the enemy knows that you are doubtful and fearful.
Over the years, I had fought with myself to move beyond the bad habits, the negative beliefs, and the consuming fear that I had lived with all my life. This was the identity that Rhonda nurtured in her bosom. These were the things that she knew so well. But these things did not work for Iyanla. Too many I can’ts, too many don’t knows, too much fear and hesitation. Too much anger and shame that resulted in too much guilt. Iyanla did not doubt God or the process of life. I had no need to be rescued, no need to be taken care of, so why was I crying and feeling unworthy. What was happening?
There were things that I wanted to say, needed to say for myself, but for some reason the words were stuck in my throat. I was swallowing my truth because I was afraid to upset people. I was people pleasing because I was afraid to deal with confrontation. The most disturbing part of it all was the financial chaos and personal crisis that continued to