Yesterday, I Cried_ Celebrating the Lessons of Living and Loving - Iyanla Vanzant [69]
Acceptance or rejection of how you are treated by others is a function of how you feel about yourself. When you are wounded, you bleed. It is the bleeding that makes you feel bad. The way in which the wounds are inflicted determines how long and how badly you bleed. Superficial cuts will cause the blood to rise quickly, and though they are painful, it is easy to stop them from bleeding. When there is a deep gash, the blood takes a minute or two to surface. In the case of a deep wound, it often takes a while to recognize how much damage has been inflicted. If the wounds are deep enough, and the bleeding continues over an extended period of time, you can learn not to like yourself at all.
Rhonda had had some superficial wounds, but most of her life had been a series of deep, penetrating gashes that had never healed and were continually bleeding. She tried to stop the bleeding with food, cigarettes, and even sex. The blood continued to flow. It was oozing out of her mind, out of her heart, and spilling over into her life. She did not like herself. She did not feel good about herself. How could she? She was not even aware that she was wounded. Rhonda was just trying to survive. She had no idea that the only way to heal her wounds was to acknowledge them. She needed to remember how she had been wounded. She needed to look into her heart and make peace with those who had inflicted the wounds. But this was a pretty tall order for a twenty-one-year-old mother of three who only wanted a father for her children and someone to love her.
She heard the baby crying, but she could not get up. She couldn’t tell if the light in her face was daylight, the kitchen light, or some mysterious light that was making her feel warm and peaceful. Oh, my God, I can’t breathe! Rhonda saw people standing all around her. Sarah was there. The beautiful woman she’d seen in the bathroom mirror when she was a girl was there. Carmen was there. And a very large, very black man who was not wearing a shirt was straddling her body. The baby’s cry was becoming faint. Oh God, please help me! The next person Rhonda saw was herself. She looked absolutely beautiful. The woman from the mirror identified herself as Mary, and reached out to the beautiful Rhonda. Mary kissed Rhonda’s head and face. Then everything went black.
When Rhonda awoke, her throat was sore and her eyes felt like they had been glued shut. She wanted to ask where her children were, but she couldn’t speak. The next time she woke up, she was able to ask the woman standing over her what day it was. It was Tuesday. When Rhonda asked where she was, the woman responded, “Snapper Five. The psychiatric ward of Brookdale Hospital.”
Rhonda knew it was exactly where she needed to be at this moment in her life.
CHAPTER TEN
What’s the Lesson When You Are a Motherless Child Raising Children?
Remember this: Every decision you make stems from what you think you are, and represents the value that you put upon yourself.
A Course in Miracles
WHO WOULD THINK THAT LIFE on a mental ward could be such a thrilling experience? Who would consider coming to a mental ward when one is desperately in need of rest, clarity, and peace of mind? Rhonda had never once considered the possibility, but now she was convinced. Everything around her had been painted the color of pea soup. There was a pungent aroma in the air that was making Rhonda’s head spin. There were thick cuffs of some kind attached to her wrists and just above her. And the drugs that were flowing into her arms from the glass bottle hanging over her head were making her sick to her stomach. But that was not the thrilling part. It was absolutely thrilling, though, to see herself floating above her self on the ceiling of the pea-green room. Rhonda kept trying to get down from the ceiling, but since she couldn’t get her lips to work, she went back to sleep. When she