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By Root 779 0

Rhonda did not know why she still felt bad about herself. She still had not learned that people will lie to get what they want from you, and when they get it, they will lie on you. Why did she allow people to lie to her? And when she knew they were lying, why couldn’t she tell them so? She had not learned how her relationship with her father was impacting her relationships with men, and she had not learned that she could live without a man in her life. Rhonda still yearned for her father’s approval. She thought if she had a college degree, her father would be proud of her. Rhonda needed to belong, and she was completely unaware of how that need motivated her behavior. She had not learned that, in her life, she mattered the most. Rhonda had not learned that when you do the right things for the wrong reasons, it never works out.

Father, forgive them for they know not what they do. Father, forgive me, because I didn’t know what I was doing. It had gotten hot in the prayer room. I got up to open the window and stared at the lovely trees in my front yard, reflecting on how hard Rhonda had worked to get through college. She was so caught up in working, raising her children, and going to college, that she had never stopped to celebrate herself or her accomplishments. But Rhonda had not done all that work because she wanted it for herself. She had done it to prove something to other people.

She had done the work to protest the caseworker’s comments about welfare mothers. She had done it to prove Grandma wrong. She had done it so her father would tell her she was smart and that she’d done a good job. Rhonda had worked herself into a frenzy trying to prove to the world that all teenage mothers are not destined to fail. And she had done it all so that she could provide a better life for her children. At no time did she sit down and say: This is what I want to do for myself; this is what I want to do because I matter.

Looking back, I realized how unfulfilling Rhonda’s college experience had been. Most of the time, it was fun. But it did not fill the void Rhonda felt in her life. Neither did Eddie. Perhaps that is why she never felt successful. She had not learned that success means having the desire to accomplish something, then doing it to your own satisfaction. Rhonda was not even focused on material success. She was struggling to achieve what she thought would be some measure of personal success. For Rhonda that meant having someone say to her, “You did good.” The truth is, she didn’t want just anybody to say it, she wanted her family to say it. Unfortunately, she was so busy trying to elicit those three little words from them, she never said them to herself. When her family didn’t offer their approval, it reinforced Rhonda’s belief that she was neither worthy nor valuable. It reinforced her belief that she just wasn’t good enough. She handled it by working even harder to get the desired effect.

Oh my God! I thought, that’s what I want. I want Karen’s approval. I want her to tell me that I am doing a good job. I believe that if I do what Karen wants me to do, she will approve of me. Is that what this is all about? It can’t be! Surely I’ve grown more than this. Do I still care that much what other people think about me? Layer upon layer. Each time you peel back one layer, you discover a new level of healing that needs to be done. Sadly, I had to admit to myself that I still needed and wanted external approval and acceptance. I, like Rhonda, was willing to put up with anything to get it. It was something that Rhonda had lived with all of her life. If you don’t do what people want you to do, they will disapprove of you. They will get mad at you. They will hurt you and leave you. Karen had rescued me. I was behaving like a victim. People are out to get me. I need somebody to rescue me. To protect me the way my father and brother never did.

I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach. I doubled over and fell back onto my chair. I realized that it was about more than just seeking approval. I was doing what I thought I needed to do