You Deserve Nothing - Alexander Maksik [15]
By the end of the year I was exhausted. I was too thin. I drank too much. I felt like a zombie. I’d get home late. I’d do my homework and talk on the phone. Then at eight I’d come down for dinner. When my dad wasn’t in New York or traveling somewhere else he’d be there, just getting home, still wearing his suit. I liked those dinners when it was the three of us. And during her holidays my sister would be there too. That’s when things were the best. She’d been at NYU for three years and I still felt like she’d left a black hole behind her, like there was this massive absence, that we’d all been left floating in space. Even though we’d never been very close, her leaving changed the balance. My dad saw her all the time in New York. They’d have dinner together at good restaurants. He took her to the ballet. It drove me crazy with jealousy. But it was nothing compared to what it did to my mother.
After dinner I’d go to my room and work until I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Then I’d get into bed and call Ariel. We’d talk until one of us fell asleep. In the morning I’d get up and do it again. By June I had nothing left. I felt completely strung out and after the year was over and after Colin, all I wanted was for school to end and to be free of that place.
* * *
I went with Ariel to a party for the graduating seniors. That’s where I met him. I mean by that point I knew who he was. I’d seen him around. Girls talked about him. He was good looking but it’s not like he was the most beautiful man I’d ever seen. Not at all. He wasn’t really my type I don’t think. I mean if I even had a type then. He wasn’t very tall. Still, he had nice eyes and it’s true there was something about him. And Ariel liked him. He was famous at school. He was a perfect target for her. When I met him I was very drunk. It’s not as if I had plans. I didn’t even think about it. When we left the party everyone went out and I just went along. I followed Ariel like always. When we got there she ordered us our drinks and we started to dance.
The funny thing is that I liked being there because there were so many kids. I remember thinking, this is nice, this is good. I was relieved. I felt safe.
Ariel saw him first. He was there with Ms. Keller. Just the two of them. They seemed happy. I mean like it was natural. They were at ease, they laughed. They seemed to really like each other. I watched for a long time. I didn’t know them then but the way they were talking, the way they smiled, I don’t know, they just seemed good together. And not as if they were in love, just that they seemed like real people. Sure of themselves. Solid. Adults. Good adults. Like they were what I wanted to be.
I had this quick waking fantasy. You know the way you do when you’re watching people on the métro and you imagine their lives. It was like that. I remember I was standing there watching them, pretending we were all at a restaurant together just the three of us talking like they were doing, laughing and feeling calm like they seemed. I don’t know. I was pretty drunk by then.
But Ariel thought I was staring at him. And she whispered, You like him don’t you? You should try to fuck him tonight. She destroyed everything. I remember thinking how I never wanted to see her again. How it wasn’t only ISF and Paris and France that I wanted to escape from but it was Ariel too. And it made me so sad. Not just Ariel but all of it.
Anyway, I laughed and told her I had to go to the bathroom. O.K. let’s go, she said, because it was impossible then for us to go alone. So I shut myself in the stall and pretended to pee. I sat on the toilet seat staring at the tiles on the floor while