You Deserve Nothing - Alexander Maksik [24]
“Oh my God,” Hala said to her desk.
“Go on,” Silver encouraged him.
“Well, that’s really it.”
“The only person who’s suggesting that God doesn’t exist is Sartre. We’re just using the possibility that he’s right as a way to understand his philosophy.”
“But He does exist.”
“Oh my God.” Hala again.
“Hala?” Silver raised his eyebrows.
“Abdul there is the possibility that he doesn’t exist,” she insisted.
Abdul repeatedly nodded his head, loudly blew the air out of his mouth and was otherwise silent.
“Abdul,” Mr. Silver said, “I’m not suggesting that God does or does not exist. We’re investigating someone else’s ideas, trying to understand their ramifications, and so on. It’s important to consider the views of other people don’t you think?”
He said nothing. Hala looked like she might explode. Colin smirked. I studied Silver. Ariel played with her hair and rolled her eyes at Aldo. Aldo grinned and pushed his hair out of his eyes. Cara looked sympathetically at Abdul. Jane pretended to read Sartre. Lily moved her pen gracefully across her page as Rick squinted at Abdul.
“Look at the board. This, according to Sartre, is what we’re born into. Remember, I’m not suggesting that he’s right or wrong, only, Abdul, trying to explain his ideas. An orderless, meaningless life. We’re born into this world with no specific purpose. No one said, ‘Hmm, I know what I need for this job, I need a woman and boom a woman was made.’ That’s how a letter opener is born. It is not, according to Sartre, how human beings are born.
“For the record I will not preface each statement I make with ‘according to Sartre.’ You can all assume, unless I specifically tell you otherwise, I’m explaining his views and those of everyone else we’ll discuss. Please don’t go home and tell your parents that I’m a godless heathen who wants to convince you that your respective religions are absurd.”
Everyone laughed except for Abdul, who sat there nodding over and over again. It was a strange way to disagree but it was his.
“So there’s the problem: we’re born and left to determine meaning, that is, ‘L’homme est condamné à être libre.’ Anyone speak French?”
I raised my hand.
“Gilad. Will you translate for us please?”
“Man is condemned to be free.”
“Good. And what do you think that means?”
I felt my heart beat faster and the blood rise to my face.
“Take a shot, Gilad.”
“Choice is a curse.”
“Bullshit.” Colin again. Silver ignored him.
“Why would it be a curse?” he asked. I remember his eyes on me. I was embarrassed. I wanted to escape but I felt an intense desire to defend Mr. Silver.
“According to Sartre?” I asked.
“To begin with.”
“I guess because if there’s no God and we are free to make decisions then we’re also responsible for those decisions.”
He smiled at me with what I was sure was pride. He nodded.
“Beautifully said.”
He looked at me for a moment and then went on, “So then, if there’s no God and we’re responsible for our decisions why would that be a condemnation?”
“Because everything we do is our fault,” Rick said squinting up at the diagrams on the board.
“Why is it our fault? I don’t really see that,” Ariel said.
“Well, if God doesn’t exist then it isn’t his fault,” Rick went on.
“But those aren’t the only options. What about our parents, our environment, our families, where we’re born, diseases, handicaps? Isn’t it ridiculous to say that either it’s God’s fault or just our own?”
“That’s not what he’s saying,” I said.
She turned to me.
“What?” She seemed amazed that I’d contradict her.
I thought how I wanted to touch her.
Silver sat on his desk with his arms folded watching us.
“What Rick just said . . . It’s Rick, right?” I asked.
Rick had turned his attention from the board and was looking at me as he’d been looking at the diagrams.
“What Rick said, was that everything we do is our fault. Which seems to me exactly right. No matter what our parents do for a living, or where we grow up, or the diseases we have. We’re still responsible