You Deserve Nothing - Alexander Maksik [26]
I’d never masturbated. Never had an orgasm. Never. Not until that summer when I began to think about him, in bed at night listening to the ocean. And then during the day with my fingers pressed into the hot sand, I’d imagine him kissing me. Lying on my towel, I mean right in the middle of the day, I’d imagine his hands on my body, and I’d feel a flush, a warmth spread up my thighs, hot between my legs, my nipples pulsing. I ached. All of me all the time.
* * *
Colin. Somehow we were together. I don’t know. We were all drinking on the Champ de Mars. Colin was there and we were drunk and we ended up kissing on a bench somewhere and then we were together. That’s it. That went on for a while and he was nice to me. I mean, he was O.K. He used to tell me what to wear to school and I’d do it. Jeans, tight T-shirts, that kind of thing. After a few months he started to get on my nerves. He was pushy and always wanted to have sex. I wasn’t necessarily against having sex, but I didn’t like the pressure and he wouldn’t shut up about it. And I don’t know if I was ready or not but he just pushed and pushed so one day we had sex in my bedroom when my parents were away.
It was horrible. I mean everything about him was hard. His lips, his body, his face, the way he touched me, everything about him. It was over fast and there was a small spot of blood on the towel I’d laid beneath us.
That was it.
He was O.K. for a while. He was nice to me usually and sometimes he was funny. Then one night after a school play, a musical, it was Mame, we got on the bus together. They were the late buses and ours wasn’t very full. We sat at the very back and were hidden away behind the seats. There were maybe ten or fifteen other kids toward the front and we were pretty much alone in the back. He’d been pushing me to go down on him. He didn’t shut up about it.
That night he starts talking about it again. Whispering to me in the dark and finally I said, Fine, I’ll do it, O.K.? But he meant right there in the bus. And he pushes and pushes and pushes and finally I said I’d do it. He pulls down his jeans and he takes out his penis and he’s hard. Then he starts to push my head down with his hand and I put a little bit into my mouth and I’m breathing through my nose like Ariel told me but I feel sick, like I’m going to choke, and now he’s got my hair in his fists and he won’t let go and he starts to push up with his hips. I begin to panic and breathe faster and faster through my nose and try to stop but he’s got his hands on my head and he’s forcing himself into my mouth. I’m afraid to make any noise. I feel like I’m going to choke to death, like I’m suffocating, like I’m going to die right there and still I can’t make any noise. I’m shaking my head and digging my nails into his thigh and trying to get away, to get my mouth away, to tell him to stop but I can’t, no matter what I do, he’s too strong and I can’t get away and I’m crying and I can’t breathe.
I felt myself lightheaded as if I might pass out. I was shaking and then he comes and the minute I feel it in my mouth I sort of gag and then vomit a little bit of it into his lap and he makes this noise, this noise I’ll never forget, of complete disgust and disapproval. And he lets go of me and I pull my head up and wipe my mouth and my face with the sleeve of my sweater. He says, What the fuck, Marie? And I don’t look at him. I just sit there staring at the back of the seat. I’m crying and crying and my nose is running but I sit up straight the way my mom would have wanted and try not to breathe. I just concentrate on a single point and think of going home, of being in the shower.
He kept talking and shaking my shoulder, and saying, What’s wrong, Marie? What’s wrong? Why are you crying? As if he didn’t fucking know. Anyway, I stopped hearing