You Deserve Nothing - Alexander Maksik [45]
And that’s something.
“Just go sit in the Luxembourg Gardens,” he said. “Get one of those nice free chairs, sit in the sun and read, watch the people, eat a sandwich, get out of your houses. Jesus.”
And so I did. And I started wearing a scarf.
I looked forward to school. I fantasized about conversations we’d have. I prepared lines. I wanted to talk about Hamlet. There was nowhere else I’d have rather been.
* * *
From my notebook:
October 27
“So, what’s the play about?”
He looked around the classroom. He raised his eyebrows.
Rick let out an impatient sigh. “So, it’s about this guy Hamlet and how his . . . ”
Silver interrupted him, “Tell me what it’s about without telling me the story. I’m not interested in the plot. I want to know what the play is about.”
“Yeah, O.K. So it’s about this guy—”
“Rick, tell me what the play’s about.”
“But it is about a guy,” Abdul said to the empty notebook in front of him.
“I disagree,” Silver said, shifting his gaze to Abdul.
“Whatever,” Ariel said under her breath.
Without looking away from Abdul, Silver said, “Leave.”
Abdul jerked his head up, his eyes wide.
“Ariel, leave the classroom.”
“Excuse me?”
Finally he turned his gaze to her and said again, pausing between each word, “Leave the classroom.”
We were silent. It was a kind of ecstasy. Aldo, with his mouth open, glanced from Ariel to Silver and back.
“Are you serious?”
He looked at her with an intensity and anger that I’d never seen from him. He was completely changed.
Ariel was a deep red. For a moment her usual sneer was gone. Then she looked at him as if she’d been betrayed.
“Fine, but I’m just going to say that this is . . . ”
“Ariel,” Silver snapped. “I’m not interested. Get out.”
She collected her things, shaking her head, her mouth moving wordlessly. She looked at Silver for a moment as if sizing him up. There was an almost imperceptible smile on her face. Then she left the room, slamming the door behind her.
He waited a moment.
Lily broke the silence. “Dude,” she said.
Silver walked over to the open window and looked out into the day. I remember watching him there, wondering what was next. The tall trees at the far edge of the field had turned and were lit up in the soft sunlight.
When he turned back he said, “You’re wasting your time. If I were you, I’d run for it.”
No one spoke.
He glanced up at the whiteboard and, as if just noticing the diagram, said, “That’s the whole point, right there. That’s the whole thing—the distance between desire and action, between what you want and what you do. That tension, that’s everything. Can someone please explain to me what the hell I’m talking about?”
“The hardest thing is to do what you want to do,” Hala said.
He nodded a dramatic nod.
“Or live the way you want to live,” Rick said looking at the ceiling.
“Meaning?”
“That’s the tension, dude!” Hala smacked her desk. “You know you want to do something but you can’t get yourself to do it.”
“Dude?” Silver grinned at Hala.
“Lily’s fault. Sorry.” We laughed.
“O.K., dude, why can’t you get yourself to do it?”
“You’re lazy,” Colin said smiling.
“Wait, why would you not do something you wanted to do?” Abdul asked.
Silver squinted at Abdul. “Abdul, do you do everything you want to do?”
“Pretty much. Yeah.”
“Do you talk to every woman you find attractive, Abdul?”
“I don’t have to answer that. It isn’t a decent question.”
Hala let out a loud sigh.
“O.K., Abdul. O.K.” Silver pushed himself off of the desk