You Deserve Nothing - Alexander Maksik [69]
He looked at me for a long time. Then he shook his head as if answering the question before asking it. “You don’t get much advice from people, do you? Your dad’s not around? Mom?”
I shook my head. “No. Not anymore. Not for a couple of years.”
“Both of them, gone?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Both at once.”
“At once?”
I nodded. “In an instant,” I said.
Slowly he drew his legs up and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. He grimaced in pain and made a slight grunt. “You were close?”
I nodded and felt that familiar cold stillness.
“Christ,” he whispered. “Brothers or sisters?”
“No.”
He took a deep breath and blew it out hard. “Ah, Will. That’s a hard thing.” He shook his head and looked down at his hands. “Never married?” He asked, his voice softer now.
“I was.”
“What happened? I mean if you don’t mind me asking you.”
“I left. When my parents died. I left. I came here.”
He seemed so sad slumped down on that couch looking at me.
After a while, I said, “You were going to give me some advice.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Will, you ask me, you’re falling apart. I’m sorry but you look like a raccoon with those circles under your eyes. You don’t talk to anybody, you walk around here like a zombie. I’m gonna tell you, that’s more than frustration, buddy. That’s more than ‘I’m sick of being a teacher, the magic’s gone,’ that’s something else. Will, listen, don’t waste your time thinking you can do the whole thing alone. No matter what kind of shit you’ve lived through. And I can only imagine, though I’ve had my share. Don’t go it alone. Buddy, it’s a recipe for misery, you hear me? You’re what? Twenty-seven? Twenty-eight?”
“Thirty-three.”
“Then be happy you look as young as you do. I was your age I’d lost half my hair. Will, it’s disappointment from here on in, you understand me? There’s nothing interesting about you anymore. You see what I mean? You’re gonna start to bore the hell out of yourself. You’re out of surprises, you’ve squeezed what you can out of yourself. The world disappoints you, Will. Nearly always, the world disappoints you. You know that by now, don’t you,” he said nodding his head.
He took another gulp of coffee.
“Look, I don’t know what’s going on in your life, what you do all goddamn day, but I know this: You can’t do it alone. You’re young. You think you’re strong as hell. You think you can think it all out? Stare out your window and the answers come?” He shook his head. “The answers don’t come. And you know why?”
“Because there are no answers?”
“There are answers Will. And you can save your sarcasm for someone not as smart as I am. Figure it out, Will. You can’t do it alone. You understand me? Of course you do. I’d bet anything you’ve got yourself all tangled up with some gorgeous nightmare of a girl. I’ll put next month’s paycheck on it. You want in? Some girl you barely speak to? Who follows you around like a golden retriever?”
I laughed and shook my head.
“Will, listen to me. If you don’t remember anything else, remember this: Anyone you can fool isn’t worth loving. You understand me? It’s a young man’s move. You’re young but, buddy, you’re not that young. It’s a coward’s game, you understand? Teachers. We live for too long on those adoring eyes and then one day, it’s just not enough. It’s nothing at all but if you’re not careful, it’ll be all you have. You understand me? I know, I know, I sound like a song, but you understand what I’m saying?”
I nodded.
“I’m not telling you to go get married. Marriage won’t save you. Find some friends. Find some people you give a shit about. Who care about you. Who are smarter than you are. Find a woman, Will. Who laughs at you. Who’ll kick your ass out of the house. You find that woman and she’s the same woman who’ll throw herself in front of a truck for you? Well, then you’re somewhere. You’re a great teacher, Will. No question. Born natural. Good-looking too. Passionate as hell. Heart too big for your own good. You’ve got the world. For fuck’s sake, what else do you want?”
He struggled out of the couch, groaning the whole time. When he’d