You Deserve Nothing - Alexander Maksik [85]
I guess she can’t get to school today, he said. He gave the head of the school a look. Then he said to me, We’d like you to see the psychologist before going home. I didn’t know what he meant by we, if it was we the school or we the school and my mother.
I told him that I needed to leave. That I needed to go home. That I had a paper to write. The head of the school said she didn’t want me to be alone as if I’d kill myself or something. I got up to go, but when I turned around there was Ms. Carver standing in the doorway. She gave me one of those bullshit looks and hugged me and said, I’m so sorry. Oh sweetie I’m so sorry.
I said, What for? She said, For what he did to you. I said, What do you mean? And she said, Sweetie, you don’t have to pretend anymore. You don’t have to protect him. It’s all over now. It’s all over. You’re safe.
I tried to leave but they wouldn’t let me go. The head of the school said that legally they couldn’t leave me alone. That after something like this they’d need me to be picked up by a loved one.
A loved one.
Where is he? I asked. Where’s Will?
The head of the school told me that he’d left the campus that afternoon. That he’d been fired. I wanted to cry. Instead, I concentrated on hating them.
I took my phone out of my bag and listened to my messages. They didn’t stop me. He’d called. He was very calm and spoke so softly it was hard to hear. Everyone in the room watched me, listening, waiting for me to say something. I listened twice and then I erased it. Goodbye Marie, he said. I’m sure you’ve heard. I don’t think we’ll see each other for a while.
Mr. Spencer took me home. He kept saying that I’d be O.K. That everything would work out for the best. When we got there he insisted on walking me to the door. He wanted to talk to my mother but she wasn’t home. I didn’t ask him in and eventually he left.
My mother never talked about it, either. She never said a word to me. I don’t think she even told my father. If she had, he’d have called at least. Maybe he wouldn’t have said anything about it, but at least he would have called.
Then everything you’d imagine happened. At school I mean. There was the predictable chaos. They all stared at me. Ariel tried to talk to me. I ignored her. I tried not to pay attention. By then, I felt so numb. It was like this wild rush of noise and excitement was swirling all around me and I was motionless. I felt drugged. I called him and called him. I wrote. But he never responded. I went to his apartment and rang but he didn’t answer. I sat in the café across the street and waited for hours. The lights never came on. He never went in. He never came out. I went back a lot. But there was never a sign of life.
* * *
I suppose in the end the way he left was as good as any other. I like to think he did it for me, that he thought it was the best way.
I don’t know.
They made me see Ms. Carver once a week until the end of the year. What a fraud. I couldn’t stand her. She said he used me. That he needed to assert his power. She kept saying it, He needed to assert his power. He took advantage of you, Marie. Do you understand that? He took advantage of you. Do you understand? You must understand that. You have to understand it for you to heal. God she loved that word—heal.
And I’d say, No, Ms. Carver I don’t understand that. And she’d say, But you must be angry at him. He abandoned you. Don’t you see that he used you? You must be angry. You should be angry. I’d turn away from her and look out the window. Even if I’d been angry, and I guess I was, I wouldn’t have given her the pleasure, you know? She was so smug, so pleased with herself, sitting in her big chair looking at me from under all that makeup like she had the whole thing figured out, as if without her help I wouldn’t survive.
Sometimes I’d talk to Ms. Keller. In the beginning I went to