You Get So Alone at Times That It Just Makes Sense - Charles Bukowski [33]
noon and evening and darkness
when actually all we want is to sit in cool green gardens
talking quietly over drinks.
what makes us this way?—ingrown toenails?—or that the ladies
are not enough?—what foolishness makes us tweak the nose of
Death continually?
are we afraid of the slow bedpan?—or slobbering over half-
cooked peas brought to us by a bored nurse with thick
dumb legs?
what wanton hare-brained impulse makes us floor it with
only one hand on the wheel?
don’t we realize the peace of aging
gently?
what hell-call is this to war?
we are the sickest of the breed—as fine museums—great art—
generations of knowledge—are all forgotten
as we find profundity in being an
asshole—
we are going to end up as a
photograph—almost life-sized—hanging
as a warning on the
Traffic Court wall
and people will shudder just a bit and
look the other way
knowing that
too much ego is not
enough.
nervous people
you go in for an item—take it to the clerk at the register—he
doesn’t know the price—begs leave—returns after a long
time—stares at the electronic cash register—rings up the
sale with some difficulty: $47,583.64—you don’t have it
with you—he laughs—calls for help—another clerk
arrives—after another long time he finds a new total:
$1.27. I pay—then must ask for a bag—I thank the
clerk—walk to parking with the lady I am with—“you
make people nervous,” she tells me—
we drive home with the item—we put the item to its task—it
doesn’t work—the item has a factory
defect—
“I’ll take it back,” she says—
I go to the bathroom and piss squarely in the center of the
pot—warfare is just one of the problems which besets everyone
during the life of a decent day.
working out
Van Gogh cut off his ear
gave it to a
prostitute
who flung it away in
extreme
disgust.
Van, whores don’t want
ears
they want
money.
I guess that’s why you were
such a great
painter: you
didn’t understand
much
else.
how is your heart?
during my worst times
on the park benches
in the jails
or living with
whores
I always had this certain
contentment—
I wouldn’t call it
happiness—
it was more of an inner
balance
that settled for
whatever was occurring
and it helped in the
factories
and when relationships
went wrong
with the
girls.
it helped
through the
wars and the
hangovers
the backalley fights
the
hospitals.
to awaken in a cheap room
in a strange city and
pull up the shade—
this was the craziest kind of
contentment
and to walk across the floor
to an old dresser with a
cracked mirror—
see myself, ugly,
grinning at it all.
what matters most is
how well you
walk through the
fire.
forget it
now, listen, when I die I don’t want any crying, just get the
disposal under way, I’ve had a full some life, and
if anybody has had an edge, I’ve
had it, I’ve lived 7 or 8 lives in one, enough for
anybody.
we are all, finally, the same, so no speeches, please,
unless you want to say he played the horses and was very
good at that.
you’re next and I already know something you don’t,
maybe.
quiet
sitting tonight
at this
table
by the
window
the woman is
glooming
in the
bedroom
these are her
especially bad
days.
well, I have
mine
so
in deference
to her
the typewriter
is
still.
it’s odd,
printing this stuff
by
hand
reminds me of
days
past
when things were
not
going well
in another
fashion.
now
the cat comes to
see
me
he flops
under the table
between my
feet
we are both
melting
in the same
fire.
and, dear
cat, we’re still
working with the
poem
and some have
noted
that there’s some
“slippage”
here.
well, at age
65, I can
“slip”
plenty, yet still
run rings
around
those pamby
critics.
Li Po knew
what to do:
drink another
bottle and
face
the consequences.
I turn to my
right, see this huge
head (reflected in the
window) sucking at
a cigarette
and
we grin at
each
other.
then
I turn
back
sit here
and
print more words upon this
paper
there is never
a final