You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News - Writers of Cracked dot Com [32]
Hey, remember in the first movie where they said they don’t pull adults out of the Matrix? Because finding out that every experience they ever had was false and that the real world is a frozen wasteland destroys their mind?
Well, in this new world the whole “all of society is a computer-generated hoax” thing isn’t going to stay a secret for long. How do you think society would react to finding that out? How would major religions react?
Why would anyone go to work after that? How do you think starving third-world nations would regard their machine masters, knowing that their misery is purely the invention of the machines and that the Matrix could have rained food down from the sky any time it wanted?
The world would descend into utter chaos. Luckily, the people can escape the madness anytime they want by exiting the Matrix!
Oh, wait, they can’t. In the real world outside the Matrix, the one city where people could live has been devastated by the robot attack, and there is nothing close to enough housing, food, clothing, fresh water, or anything else to accommodate even a small country.
Hey, thanks for waking us up, asshole!
1. TOY STORY 3
The “happy” ending
Woody, Buzz, and most of our favorites from Toy Story 1 and 2 narrowly escape a freaky daycare full of creepy, manipulative toys and dangerous, thoughtless brats. Our heroes return home and Andy, before leaving for college, donates the gang to a little girl named Bonnie, ensuring the toys a carefree future of playing with a sweet and lovable girl forever and ever!
Wait a minute . . .
Until Bonnie throws them away.
The toys don’t age along with their human owners. Sure, Andy was kind enough to donate them to a little girl, but who knows what’ll happen when she grows up? The best-case scenario is that Bonnie keeps them around long enough for them to watch her die of old age.
Of course, unless Bonnie suffers some sort of head trauma, she’ll be interested for another few years max. Hell, Little Bo Peep never even made it to Toy Story 3. It’s far more likely that they’ll eventually wind up at the bottom of a rotting compost heap, sandwiched between an empty pizza box and a copy of ASS! Magazine. At least the hellish trash incinerator we see in Toy Story 3 offers a quick way out.
With a fate like that in store, it’s no wonder 90 percent of all fiction involving sentient dolls ends with them trying to kill their owners.
FIVE FAMOUS INVENTORS WHO STOLE THEIR BIG IDEA
LUCKILY, we slept through high school, but we’ve got some bad news for those of you unfortunate enough to have stayed awake: Every brilliant inventor you’ve ever loved is a huge thieving asshole.
5. GALILEO GALILEI
If you asked the average high schooler what Galileo’s lasting contribution to science was, they would most likely reply, “The telescope,” before going off to smoke some grass and listen to Bon Jovi records (hey, we were in high school once too, you know). Well, imaginary high school student, put down that Atari and prepare to have your mind blown: Galileo did not invent the telescope. (Also, if you start Slippery When Wet and The Wizard of Oz at the same time, it sort of looks like the Tin Man is lip-synching for about two seconds of “Livin’ on a Prayer.”)
Who actually invented it?
Lots of scientists were looking up at the stars back then, but no one was doing it quite as hard as Dutchman Hans Lippershey. In 1608, Lippershey completed construction of the first telescope and attempted to receive a patent for it but was denied.
A few countries over, when Galileo heard about Lippershey’s work in 1609, he quickly built his own telescope, one that could see just a little bit farther than Lippershey’s. Necessary? Not particularly. Emasculating? Oh, you betcha. While Galileo never registered a patent, the fact remains that his name is synonymous with telescopes, while Lippershey’s name was quickly forgotten.
The lesson, as always, is that having an unwieldy, nonalliterative name that sounds like an STD is never good for your career.
4. ALEXANDER FLEMING
Sir Alexander