You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News - Writers of Cracked dot Com [50]
3. HULA HOOPS
That hula hoop collecting cobwebs in your garage may well be the deadliest plastic circle since the O-rings on the Challenger. In 1992, a Beijing man was hospitalized with a twisted intestine after “playing excessively” with a hula hoop. Chinese papers said that the case was the third in a few weeks and blamed it on a hula hoop craze sweeping China at the time. This also represented the first time the phrase “hula hoop craze” had been printed in a newspaper since the thirties.
Fortunately, the Beijing man was treated successfully and eventually able to return to work (presumably deep in an unstable coal mine). Not so lucky was the Korean woman admitted in 2006 for a perirenal hematoma developed after six months of routine “violent hula hooping.” In case you don’t know what a perirenal hematoma is, that means the hula hoop made blood come out of her kidneys. It looks like you’re going to have to somehow resist the lure of violently hula hooping for long periods of time.
If you’re starting to think that the only way to avoid death is to shut yourself inside your house, don’t worry . . .
2. STAYING SAFELY INDOORS
Over the last decade or so, a wide range of seemingly unrelated illnesses have started to be attributed to sick building syndrome, which is basically any disease you get just by being inside. Victims have reported everything from headaches and fatigue to hair loss and neurological problems, all tied to starting work at a new building or moving into a new house. Because their symptoms differ so widely, and because “coming into work makes me sick” sounds like the lamest excuse ever, the disease wasn’t even really studied until recently.
The current theory is that newer buildings, which are better insulated than old ones, may be too airtight for their own good, trapping toxic gasses and causing air to stagnate. And that air is filled with all the dust, gas, and molecular detritus left over from the construction process, as well as whatever stray compounds the drying paint and setting concrete decide to contribute. Think of it like a balloon full of poison, except you work inside the balloon, and instead of it being someone’s birthday party, your hair is falling out in clumps. Also, most people you tell about your illness call you a crazy liar.
1. THE INTERNET
Telling people about all the things that will make them sick is one of the Web’s primary functions. But only since a recent report in Biologist, a UK science journal, has it been thought that the Internet could actually suppress your immune system, encourage disease, and speed the growth of tumors. The report cites studies showing that entering the twenty-first century, time spent using electronic media increased, while time spent in actual face-to-face social interaction dropped significantly. This lack of daily human interaction causes your body to slack off and fail to produce as many white blood cells and cytokines (those are good).
While keeping your distance from a bunch of filthy human bacteria might seem like a good thing, your immune system actually needs the activity. After months spent sitting alone, surfing porn, your body’s natural defense system begins to atrophy.
So really, it’s not the Internet that’s making you sick; it’s the crushing, crushing loneliness. If you want to stay healthy, don’t waste your time reading books or browsing the supremely addictive Cracked.com website. Go out and get some exercise. But before you do that, you might want to turn to the next section to learn about all the ways exercise can kill you too.
FOUR THINGS YOUR MOM SAID WERE HEALTHY THAT CAN KILL YOU
EVERYONE knows that fad diets aren’t to be trusted. But there are a few simple rules that