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in the head, which, while admittedly badass, barely makes the top ten of badass things he ever did. Plagued with a bad back his entire life, Kennedy was disqualified from service in the army. Instead of using this as an excuse to pursue the decidedly saner strategy of staying away from exploding things, Kennedy had his dad pull a few strings so he could sneak his way into the navy, where he eventually became a lieutenant. Just to get some perspective, Bill Clinton dodged the draft, Grover Cleveland paid someone else to go in his place when he was drafted, but Kennedy beat the system by forcing his way into the navy. Once there, he handled himself like a gravel-eating shit miner instead of the rich Boston pretty boy he actually was.

Upon leaving the navy, he took up boning on a near full-time basis. Sure he dabbled at being a senator and a president or whatever, but his full-time job was pimping. While almost no two sources are in agreement as to just how much tail Kennedy snagged, historian John Richard Stephens says that “Kennedy confided with friends that he could only be satisfied with three women a day.” Kennedy’s closest friend once recalled that “Jack could be shameless in his sexuality . . . He would corner them at White House dinner parties and ask them to step into the next room away from the noise, where they could hold a ‘serious discussion.’ ” Next time you’re at a dinner party, go ahead and try that “Hey baby, let’s go have a serious discussion” line out and then come back and tell us how much sex you didn’t have.

JFK’s sexual conquests allegedly include Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Jayne Mansfield, Angie Dickinson, Brazilian actress Florinda Bolkan, and famous burlesque stripper and rap name pioneer Blaze Starr. There are even rumors that he had sex with his insanely hot wife once in a while too.

Greatest display of badassery: In August 1943, while serving as skipper of PT-109, Kennedy’s boat was ripped in two by the Japanese destroyer Amagiri. Kennedy and his crew were tossed into the water and surrounded by flames. Kennedy managed to swim four hours to safety while towing an injured crewman by the life jacket strap with his teeth. His goddamned teeth!

2. GEORGE WASHINGTON

Plenty of people know George Washington as the Father of Our Country, but few people know—and this is, perhaps, more important—just how similar he was in behavior to the Incredible Hulk.

As described by Thomas Jefferson, George Washington “was naturally irritable,” and when his temper “broke its bonds, he was most tremendous in his wrath.” One time, in fact, he became “much inflamed [and] got into one of those passions when he cannot command himself.” Witnesses agreed that after these sudden bursts of rage, Washington generally became calm and amiable again. Sound like anyone you know? Anyone incredible, perhaps? The Iroquois Indians affectionately nicknamed Washington Caunotaucarius, which translates to something like Town Destroyer or Devourer of Villages. We were really hoping it translated to One Who (When Angry) You Will Not Like so we’d have more evidence for this whole Incredible Hulk thing, but Town Destroyer is pretty cool too, we guess.

Washington wasn’t just a shirt-ripping comic book character waiting to happen, he was also an amazing general and, possibly, totally invincible. Washington was always at the front line in any of the many battles he took part in, and there are countless stories of Washington returning from battle with bullet holes in his uniform or without a horse (it having been shot out from under him), but he always remained unharmed. In a letter to his brother, he described being surrounded by bullets and death and concluded by saying, “I heard the bullets whistle and, believe me, there is something charming to the sound of bullets.” When he caught news of this, George III reportedly remarked that Washington’s attitude would change if he heard a few more. Washington went on to hear hundreds more and to rout King George’s army in a war.

Greatest display of badassery: Making America.

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