You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News - Writers of Cracked dot Com [81]
She died just forty minutes after arriving at the hospital, and her autopsy was performed by men in full hazmat moon suits. Despite one of the most extensive forensic investigations in history, it’s still not known what exactly turned this woman’s blood toxic. Granted, the experts on the case have refused to take off their hazmat suits since that day and are now quarantined on a small island surrounded by barbed wire, but those are probably just the usual precautions.
2. SOMETHING OFF ABOUT THAT PICTURE
The legend
A young man is dropping off groceries at the house of an eccentric old lady when he notices an old photo that makes the hair on his arms stand on end. The photo’s normal enough—a young boy in his Sunday best—but something just seems off. “Isn’t that beautiful?” the old lady says, trying to stuff a cat into the dishwasher. “You can hardly tell he’s dead.”
The truth
While most folks today are too squeamish to take more than a glance into the casket during a funeral, as recently as the early twentieth century someone dying meant it was time to break out the camera for a family photo, a practice known as memorial photography.
And, while it all sounds like the setup for some terrifying practical joke on the photographer, there was actually a somewhat reasonable explanation. Back then, taking pictures was expensive enough that it was a once-in-a-lifetime (er, or shortly thereafter) thing for most and required people to sit perfectly still for a couple of minutes. And if there’s one thing dead people are good at, it’s sitting still.
Eventually, the practice of memorial photography went out of style, maybe because picture taking became more affordable and didn’t have to be reserved for special occasions such as death. Or possibly everyone just sat up all at once and said, “Wait, what the hell are we doing?”
1. BURIED ALIVE
The legend
Some poor schmuck is committed to his eternal resting place, even though he’s not quite ready to take that final dirt nap. Scratch marks are later found on the coffin lid along with other desperate signs of escape.
The truth
This not only happened, but back in the day it happened with alarming regularity. In the late nineteenth century, William Tebb tried to compile all the instances of premature burial from medical sources of the day. He collected 219 cases of near-premature burial, 149 cases of actual premature burial, and a dozen cases where dissection or embalming had begun on a not-yet-deceased body.
This was an era before doctors such as the esteemed Dr. Gregory House gained the ability to solve any ailment within forty-two minutes (see page 205 for just how far away they were). If you showed up presumed dead, the good doctor probably leaned over your face, screamed, “Wake up!” a few times, and then buried you.
The concern over being buried alive was so real back then that the hot-ticket item for the wealthy was the “safety coffin,” which allowed those inside to signal to the outside world (usually by ringing a bell or raising a flag) should they awake six feet under. Though answering that bell sounds like a good way to get ambushed by a zombie if you ask us.
And if you think you’re safe, you should talk to Carlos Camejo, who got into a car accident and woke up in the middle of his autopsy. In 2007. We might suggest adding a line to your will that states you’re to be buried with a gas-powered auger in your casket.
Some historians have compared Lincoln’s tone of voice to “a howler monkey with its balls trapped in a sewing machine.”
FIVE BELOVED U.S. PRESIDENTS THE MODERN MEDIA WOULD NEVER LET INTO THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON. Jackson. Roosevelt. The tall one. Other Roosevelt. And so on. These are the men who poured the foundation for the ass-kicking spacescraper that is the United States of America. Together, they built this country with nothing but their bare hands, a fistful of stars, and an undisclosed number of dead Indians. During their presidencies, each was lauded and beloved by a majority of