You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News - Writers of Cracked dot Com [83]
All of this made him so beloved, he got elected four times. By the fourth time, it’s unclear why they even bothered holding an election.
Why today’s media would destroy him
Roosevelt suffered from polio, one of the most dangerous diseases of his time, and eventually died in office. If you have to be told why that wouldn’t fly these days, you clearly missed the shit storm the media kicked up in 2008 about John McCain’s age. And we might not have elected Obama if he hadn’t promised to quit smoking. With each election, the candidate’s medical records undergo more scrutiny. You think Roosevelt would have gotten away with polio, when John “Has Chunks of People Like You in His Stool” McCain can’t get away with being over seventy?
Not to mention the inevitably leaked fact that Roosevelt’s mother made him wear a dress until he was five.
1. JOHN “F’ED YOUR GIRLFRIEND” KENNEDY
How beloved was he?
Kennedy dealt with the Cuban missile crisis, started the Peace Corps, and won a Pulitzer Prize all while being stunningly handsome.
To put it in perspective: Kennedy was probably the most beloved president of the past thirty years. Does anyone remember where they were when they heard he got shot?
Why today’s media would destroy him
He had sex with someone other than his wife while president. If you’ll recall, the same thing almost ended Clinton’s presidency, and all he did was play target practice with an intern in a blue dress. Furthermore, his most cited affair was with Marilyn Monroe, a huge movie star at the time. That’s like if Clinton had boned Julia Roberts. And even though rumors did swirl about JFK having affairs with other notable ladies of the era, he was never once questioned about it by the media or, for that matter, in a court of law. America sort of just said, “Boys will be boys.” Perhaps we’re more willing to accept a handsome man boning one beautiful woman than a chubby Southern guy rubbing one out on whoever happens to wander into his office. But Kennedy boned a different beautiful woman almost every day he was in office. Even if he gave O’Reilly sloppy seconds, there’s no way Fox would let him get away with that shit.
Kennedy is still the only president to be granted jus primae noctis by popular vote.
THIRD REICH TO FORTUNE 500: FIVE POPULAR BRANDS THE NAZIS GAVE US
IN the interest of fairness and not getting sued, we’d like to make it clear that we’re not accusing any of the companies below of still being pro-Nazi. All of them have long disavowed Hitler’s regime as being both monstrous and no longer profitable.
5. HUGO BOSS
No yuppie’s wardrobe is complete without his standard Hugo Boss suit, shirt, tie, sunglasses, cologne, and man thong. Even if you’re too poor to afford Boss’s goods, you’ve seen Boss ads in magazines and on billboards. You know, the ones that feature serious-looking men with hollow eyes full of infinite longing that scream, “I’m attractive and I’m really very unhappy about it.”
Job with the Nazis
Speaking of stern, closeted white men, Hugo Boss manufactured the sleek all-black uniforms for the Schutzstaffel (SS). While today Boss uses black for slimming effects, in the SS uniforms it was used to command respect and fear. As a bonus, the black uniforms soaked up sunlight during the summer months, causing the wearer to sweat uncomfortably and stink. Take that, Nazis.
How evil were they?
It’s amazing how quickly Hugo Boss went from being a family owned company teetering on the brink of bankruptcy to becoming a hugely profitable juggernaut outfitting the entire Nazi army. Turns out, all you have to do is stop paying employees