You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News - Writers of Cracked dot Com [88]
Look, we don’t want to create a panic here. All we’re saying is that on an actual day on the actual calendar in the future, runaway microscopic nanobots will end civilization by flooding the planet with the cannibalistic undead.
Science says so.
CREDITS
Nathan Birch (The Ten Most Insane Medical Practices in History, The Five Creepiest Urban Legends That Happen to Be True). In addition to working for Cracked.com, Nathan spends his time writing for top video game sites, producing his own Web comic (www.zoologycomic.com), and hoping he’ll never actually have to grow up.
Robert Brockway (Three Colors You Don’t Realize Are Controlling Your Mind) is an editor and columnist for Cracked.com and the author of Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, a book that is infinitely superior to this one in every way. He is also fired, just now.
Adam Tod Brown (Five Horrifying Food Additives You’ve Probably Eaten Today, The Awful Truth Behind Five Items on Your Grocery List) is a freelance editor and comedy writer with skills often described as “ninja-like.” He holds a master’s degree in street knowledge and drinks from only the finest bejeweled goblets.
Tim Cameron (The Six Most Terrifying Foods in the World, Four Great Women Buried by Their Boobs) goes by his middle name Niall as a musician, since it’s over 70 percent more pretentious. You can experience Niall’s stirringly resonant soundcrafts at www.niall-cameron.com
Erica Cantin (“Michael Bay Directs the News” in Five Stories The Media Doesn’t Want You to Know About) lives in a formerly abandoned castle near the sea, where she and her family sing many a merry shanty.
Rory Colthurst (Five Wacky Misunderstandings That Almost Caused a Nuclear Holocaust) is a politics student based in London. He started writing when the school system would no longer let him draw pictures, and has never looked back.
Travis Corkery (Six Terrifying Things They Don’t Tell You about Childbirth) is a writer from Anchorage, Alaska. He lives with his wife, Charlene, dog, Volta, and two children, one of which was conceived to research the article that appears in this book.
S. Peter Davis (The Five Most Ridiculous Lies You Were Taught in History Class, Four Mythological Beasts That Actually Exist) in addition to this sort of thing, churns out reams of unpopular and socially disturbing fiction. He lives alone in Brisbane, Australia, with his two fish, Salmon Rushdie and Marlin Brando.
Jacopo della Quercia (Numbers 5 to 3 of Five Conspiracies That Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government) was born to Italian parents, studied Renaissance history in Florence, has taught classes on Dante, Machiavelli, and Renaissance art, believes the past is still alive, writes in code, and died in 1438.
Ben Dennison (The Four Most Insane Attempts to Turn Nature into a Weapon) writes comedy to pay the bills. The bills usually win, but hey, man, that’s cool.
Justin Droms (Oh the Places You’ll Go [When You’re Dead]: Six Insane Things Science Might Do with Your Cadaver) was an editor at Cracked.com for two-and-a-half blood-soaked years. He currently “works” in “marketing” in Washington, D.C.
Robert Evans (Four Things Your Mom Said Were Healthy That Can Kill You, Five Stories the Media Doesn’t Want You to Know About) has dedicated his life to finding every dick joke in the history of literature.
Tomas Fitzgerald (Five Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen) hails from Western Australia, the savage hell-scape that inspired Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. When he’s not wearing hats adorned with crocodile teeth, Tomas lectures in law at the University of Notre Dame.
Ian Fortey (Five Awesome Places to Have Sex [and the Horrific Consequences]) is a freelance